Doug Clark: Rebels without a clue finally get their due

A daredevil refuses to wear a life jacket while attempting to skim his speeding snowmobile across a Montana reservoir.

He can’t swim.

A British bus rider needs a cigarette break so badly that she decides to hop off.

At 60 miles an hour.

A Californian thinks it would be hilarious to watch a train drag a shopping cart. So he ties one end of the rope to the cart and heaves the other (weighted) end under the thundering freight train.

And gets caught up in the ride.

Pop artist Andy Warhol predicted that everyone will eventually get 15 minutes of fame.

But Darwin Awards recipients pay the ultimate price for their sliver of celebrity.

So named for Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the black-humored awards are given to humans who enhance the gene pool by removing themselves from it in breathtakingly dunderheaded ways. “The Darwin Awards Intelligent Design” ($19.95 Dutton) is scheduled to hit the bookstores later this month. The fourth volume of the series offers readers plenty of ghastly glee.

And we ghouls here in the great Ingrown Empire have an added reason to buy a copy.

Author Wendy Northcutt shares a co-writer’s credit with Spokane’s own Christopher M. Kelly. He helped research, compile and write some of the Darwin anecdotes.

“This book wouldn’t have been possible without Christopher Kelly,” said Northcutt of her old friend when I called the California resident the other day.

Kelly logged untold hours poring over the stories of dimwitted death submitted to the Web site www.DarwinAwards.com. “Every time I thought we were running out of stupid stuff we’d get a new batch,” he said.

I’ll admit it. I’m a big fan of the Darwin Awards.

Sure, it may not be nice to snicker at the fatal follies of others. But Darwin winners are so cartoonishly devoid of common sense that it’s difficult to dredge up any empathy.

“True Darwin Awards candidates imagine that they live in a world where tigers don’t bite, sharks are as cuddly as stuffed animals, and people can fly with a little ingenuity,” writes Northcutt in her opening chapter. “In their minds, steering a motorcycle with their feet just makes sense.”

And here’s yet another cause for pride. Washington is well-represented.

Consider the plight of the Seattle freeway dangler.

This misguided contest happened in the wee hours of the morning.

Two boozed-up buddies challenged each other to a test of strength. Rather than engage in something nonlethal, like arm wrestling, they decided to dangle over the edge of a freeway overpass.

The rules were simpleton simple: Whoever hangs on the longest wears the crown.

“Unfortunately, the winner was too tired from his victory to climb back up, despite help from his 31-year-old friend,” writes Northcutt.

Splat!

Getting that numbskull out of the population probably upped our state IQ average by six points.

Then there is the tale of the Lava Lamp loser.

Authorities were puzzled when they discovered the body of the 24-year-old in his trailer along with charred pieces of a Lava Lamp. Eventually a theory began to emerge.

To speed up the lava action, “He took the lamp to the kitchen, placed it on the stove, and turned up the heat.”

It should be pointed out that the instructions warn consumers to never place a Lava Lamp on a heat source. It goes without saying that Darwin winners aren’t big on ruminating over instructions.

And, oh, how wondrous that lamp must have looked – until the explosion.

And another boob bites the dust.