Carolyn Hax : Baby book can be waste of time

Dear Carolyn: My son is 10 months old, and I’m unspeakably sad. When I look at him I’m overwhelmed with a yearning that he could be a newborn again, so I could do all the things I wish I’d enjoyed more than I did then. He had colic and I was battling postpartum depression, so the first few months were very rough, and I know I didn’t appreciate his early infancy like I do now, as I look back at pictures of his spindly legs and tiny hands and miniature feet. I promised myself I’d be so much more attentive and engaged, since he’s the only child we’ll ever have. But I haven’t even done his baby book, and I don’t know when he smiled for the first time or cut his first tooth, and now he’s almost a year old. Just writing this I’m tearing up. And it doesn’t help that I’m working full time, and don’t get much help from his dad, so when I get a chance to take time to work out or just sit and be quiet I take it, and then feel guilty about not savoring every moment with my son. How can I get over this? – K.

First, by talking again to whoever treated your postpartum depression, because it might not have entirely lifted. You’re looking backward and feeling hopeless, both of which can seem like situations but in fact are symptoms.

Next, look to the present for two things that will waste the time you could spend enjoying your baby’s later infancy: a baby book and self-flagellation.

If anyone needs a flogging here, it’s the source of these persistent, unrealistic expectations of raising a newborn. Are they competitive or insecure parents assuaging their guilt? Strangers to colic? Strange?

There are transcendent moments, yes, absolutely – but it’s such a disservice to minimize what those moments need to transcend: exhaustion, fear, self-doubt, more exhaustion, loneliness, inconsolable screaming, boredom and poop.

If new parents live in the moment, usually it’s not to savor it, but to keep themselves from seeing exactly how many moments they have to get through before it gets easier.

So which would you rather do – create and savor the true standout moments, or record them? Don’t assume everyone but you has time to do both; that’s just more misty watercolor nonsense from the Mine’s Better Than Yours factory.

You have a baby you’ve raised on your own, through colic, while still managing to tend to your own health – and he now smiles and has teeth and moves you to tears with yearning. You and he got through that rough spot together, and that, to me, is a more precious bond than the one you think you’re supposed to have immortalized on acid-free paper by now. Congratulations on a job being lovingly done.