‘No’ is standing up for yourself

Hey Carolyn: My girlfriend works two jobs but bit off more mortgage than she could chew, and she makes ends meet, but that’s it. No extra money. Her house is on the market, and she will move in with me when it sells. In the meantime, all of our social outings are financed by me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I like spoiling her, but lately she has taken it upon herself to spend my money at her discretion. She recently made plans for us to go with her dad on an overnight trip for his birthday. Guess who paid for our motel room, meals, etc.?

On Father’s Day she made arrangements for us to take her stepdad out to brunch, then we went boating with her real dad and ended up eating out again that day, again, both meals on me, since it was Father’s Day. Like I said, I don’t mind spending money on her as long as it’s me spending the money, but I think it takes a tremendous amount of gall to take my wallet for granted. I make a good living, but by no means am I well-off. I feel used, even resentful. Any thoughts? – Mr. X in MN

A few thoughts, in ascending order of alarm:

•That you’ve certainly earned your resentment. It does take gall to spend someone’s money for him without his expressed consent. Your paycheck size has nothing to do with it.

•That she apparently learned nothing from overspending her own money, because she’s now burning through yours.

•That when you add your … hesitation? reluctance? total paralysis? when the time comes to set limits – with her, or her family and friends, or even yourself – then you’ve got the formula for a relationship-ending, bank-account-denting and/or finger-pointing mess. For obvious reasons, I don’t like to use it against people that they’ve written to me, but: You’re angry at her, and I know more about it than she does.

You don’t have to agree to her plans. You don’t have to pick up every check. She doesn’t have to move in with you. Yes, it’s nice to feel like the person who can save the day with a yes – but your treating others is a generous act only when it’s gladly given. When it’s merely fuel for growing, unexpressed resentment, it’s just luring people into traps.

You also don’t have to worry about saying no to your girlfriend – finally – and admitting that you feel cornered into spending your money on her friends and family. In this case “no” is a form of standing up for yourself and therefore is not only fair but also honest.

If she doesn’t take it well and support you with accountability and apologies, then you’ll know she’s not looking out for you – while gleefully letting you look out for her and everyone she knows. And that would be alarming indeed.