Slouch not dazzled by pregame shows

From time to time, Couch Slouch releases copies of his private correspondence in an effort to foster better public understanding of key cultural issues. What follows are recent letters written to the networks in regard to their NFL pregame shows.

Dear NBC, You go nine years without the NFL and all you can come up with is “Football Night in America” in which you just bring over most of the on-air talent from HBO’s “Inside the NFL”? Wouldn’t that be like introducing a new drama, “Mafia Night in America,” and just hiring the cast of “The Sopranos”?

Actually, it’s hard to believe that Bob Costas now hosts two NFL studio shows. When NBC lost pro football in 1998, I could’ve sworn Costas talked about how much he disdained the NFL. Ah, that was then, this is “Costas Now.”

“Football Night in America” is high voltage and low wattage, all stars and no show. It feels tired before the first commercial break. Which is quite a feat, because when you start with Costas, Cris Collinsworth and Sterling Sharpe, you have the makings of compelling sports TV.

The show, naturally, is highlights-driven, and, well, ESPN did this better – a lot better – for years. Plus you insist on foisting upon us “insider” Peter King, who hasn’t had a big scoop since he was at Baskin Robbins.

The only real creative impulse in the entire 75-minute pregame-by-numbers is that you have everyone sitting in really nice, comfortable-looking oversized chairs. I mean, if you ship one of those babies to my condo as a professional courtesy, I won’t say no!

Dear Fox, “Fox NFL Sunday” is still my favorite pregame – who doesn’t love Terry, Howie and Jimmy? – but you guys managed to make 37 mistakes in one offseason (tying the NFL record, I believe, set annually by the Arizona Cardinals).

It all started because you lost James Brown to CBS.

To succeed him, you chose your No. 1 play-by-play voice, Joe Buck. To allow Buck to do both jobs, you decided to take “Fox NFL Sunday” on the road and outdoors every week.

(By the way, how valuable was J.B.? You needed THREE people to replace him – Buck, Curt Menefee and Chris Rose divvy up Brown’s Sunday duties.)

I’ll tell you folks the same thing I’ve always told ESPN and CBS: Studio shows should be in a studio. Frankly, the only thing that should ever be done outdoors is camping, and even that is suspect. It is loud, windswept and unruly outdoors – eventually, Buck will shout himself out before he has to call a game and, one day, Jimmy Johnson’s hair might end up in the Gulf of Mexico.

We are left with crowd shots of … crowds cheering! Last week you stooped to showing Terry Bradshaw handing out “X Men: Last Man Standing” DVDs to the masses. If I wanted to watch Bradshaw in a compromising position, I’d just go see his nude scene in “Failure to Launch.”

So next year, come back inside. Please. I won’t even mind if you bring the weather girl back.

P.S. Give my regards to your comic game picker, Frank Caliendo. That fella is funny.

Dear CBS, “The NFL Today” has a bigger turnover than the Bush Cabinet; eventually you’ll find somebody who wants to work there.

You’re in good hands now with James Brown, and it seems as if you’ve finally settled in with your best cast. Dan Marino seldom says anything terribly stupid, Shannon Sharpe often says something terribly stupid but has moments of unexpected mirth and Norman Esiason sits harmlessly over to the side, looking somewhat smug and self-satisfied.

You guys have gotten a little fancy with the show’s opening – one week Jet Li, the next week Billy Bob Thornton. I was a little perplexed by Jet Li’s payoff line: “It’s now or never.” Really? It was Week 2!

P.S. Tell J.B. he was underpaid at Fox – it took THREE people to replace him.

Dear ESPN, I’m on the payroll – you guys are great!

Ask The Slouch

Q. You sure have been preachy lately – I think you miss drinking Rolling Rock. Why can’t I cheer and boo as I please when I pay top dollar to go to a couple of Ravens games every year? (Tom Wells; Columbia, Md.)

A. The whole notion that “I paid for my ticket so I can express myself anyway I want” is preposterous. Let’s say you own a home – just because you pay your property taxes doesn’t mean you can build a nuclear bomb on the premises, does it?

Q. Congress approved a bill that would make it illegal for banks and credit-card companies to make payments to online gambling sites. What are the people in the Internet poker world going to do for a living now? (David Han; Silver Spring, Md.)

A. Uh, do you remember a little something called Prohibition? It didn’t stop people from drinking.

Q. In marriage match play, is The Slouch two down and pressing? (Dave Cooney; Houston)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.