Boyfriend raises her hopes only to shatter them

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 2 1/2 years. My boyfriend knows I am ready for us to live together and get married. He has made many comments about our spending the rest of our lives together. But whenever we’ve actually had a discussion about it, he’s consistently said he doesn’t know yet what he wants. Our relationship just went through a major crisis after he made definitive statements about knowing he wanted us to be together but then taking it all back and reverting to “I don’t know.” He continues to send me mixed messages even though I have asked him to stop being so reckless with his words. I really don’t think it’s driven by an intention to mislead me. Is there any logical explanation? Is the vacillation a sign that he can’t actually commit? – Mixed Messages

His not committing is a sign that he won’t commit. Don’t work harder to understand this than you have to.

In fact, I don’t believe there’s such thing as a mixed message. He says different things at different times, yes – but I count only one message there, and it’s clear: His word means nothing.

This is about character, not marriage. And this is where we introduce the relief and gratitude that you haven’t married him yet.

I’m not saying a person of character would have married you by now. There are countless solid reasons for weighing, reconsidering, postponing, avoiding, back-burnering, stalling, ducking or outright fleeing marriage. It’s just that solid people share those reasons with the mates they’re potentially stringing along. It’s even perfectly fair to be indecisive and unsure why – but only if you admit, out loud, “I’m indecisive and not sure why.”

Therefore, far more productive than my offering logical explanations for his behavior is your coming up with an honest projection of how that behavior is going to play a year, 10 years, 20 years from now – when you and he face other important decisions, most of them bigger than this.

Dear Carolyn: My roommate and her boyfriend are both close friends of mine. They are at our place several nights a week, and we often hang out together. However, they also fight frequently, usually about his being late or canceling their plans at the last minute. These fights often happen right in front of me, sometimes out in public, sometimes in our apartment. Yesterday the three of us were on our way to meet others, and they fought the whole way. Finally I told them it was their business and I didn’t need to hear it, and I didn’t want to spend the afternoon with them if they were going to bicker the entire time. I do try to give them plenty of space, and I spend time with other people too. What do you think? – Sick of Being Third Wheel on Dysfunctional Bicycle

I think your “finally” reaction should become your default reaction. Though feel free to riff – maybe, “Pull over before I hurt myself” (bonus points if you’re all sitting at home), or, “You, quit nagging and either accept it, dump him or make other plans, and you, show up on bleeping time.”