Carolyn Hax: She lied about her education history to fiance

Hi: When my soon-to-be fiance and I were first dating two years ago, I was a little insecure and he was a little overbearing, and I told him a little white lie about my educational history. He is somewhat annoyingly obsessed with educational credentials, and I felt he was breathing down my neck. Rather than be mature and tell him to get over it, I was a wimp and lied. At the time, we barely knew each other and I never suspected we’d be together long term. Lesson learned.

Now we are planning to get married, and I feel horrible about this. My boyfriend abhors lying and is very very sensitive about trust issues. Moreover, he has forwarded my white lie on to several people, while I cringed and tried to change the subject quickly. How can I come clean but do some damage control? I really love him, and aside from this, I have been entirely honest with him. – Penitent Pinocchio

Shuffle, scrape, backpedal, dance, bob, weave, tiptoe-tiptoe-tiptoe.

You must be exhausted.

He “abhors lying”? And the rest of us, what, dig it? Brush it off? Seek it out? A control freak by any other self-important, self-righteous name still smells as … um, controlly.

You know what I mean.

But this doesn’t even need to be about him. If you’re so fearful of his disapproval, still, that you can’t tell him an awkward truth, then your entire relationship is a little white lie.

Tell him. Face the damage. “Lesson learned,” you say, so this is your final exam.

I believe that the right future husband for you will both forgive your insecurity – as long as you admit to it, no excuses – and regret his heavy-handedness. If you believe this, too, then you need to find out whether this is really the guy you want to marry. He either responds warmly, and the weight of your secret is off your shoulders; or he punishes you, and the weight of a smug, exacting, unyielding mate is off your shoulders – provided, of course, you have the strength to cut him loose.

None of us is without frailty. However, hating ourselves for these frailties is not only common, it’s also a virtual invitation for others to come help us hate ourselves more – usually under the guise of helping us become better people. Shorter path to glory: Learn to spot people who are trying to make us good enough for them, then graciously tell them to stuff it.

Dear Carolyn: If one half of a couple doesn’t want to attend an event, can’t he or she not go? – Washington

As long as it’s not their wedding, I don’t see a problem with it.

Disclaimer: This statement is not to be used as justification for blowing off something your mate really cares about.

Disclaimer disclaimer: The first disclaimer is not to be used as a blunt instrument against a mate who really just wants to sit this one out.

Disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer: If you’re reading this deeply into the fine print to negotiate who goes to what with whom, then maybe you two should just talk.