Carolyn Hax: Mom, dad homophobic

Dear Carolyn: My parents were strict religious people who never spared the rod. I came out to them some 35 years ago. Upon learning their son was gay, they told me to go to the mental hospital (being gay was still considered a mental illness then) or leave their home. I left as soon as I could. Over the years, we have gradually made what I thought was a good relationship based on mutual respect. I have been in a stable relationship for 16 years, and I thought they were happy for me.

This past week, I spent the day with them, and we had a good time until I asked them a question about their church. I was then attacked by them both for my “lifestyle,” choice of religion, and my life in general. I can only see from this that we have made no progress at all in the last 35 years, and I wonder if I should even bother trying to have a relationship with them. They obviously have no respect for me, and they hurt me deeply. I feel they have been masking their true feelings, and their duplicity is what bothers me the most. Suggestions? – A Pretty Mask Over an Ugly Truth

You have made progress in the last 35 years. They’re not trying to hospitalize you; they’re just attacking your “lifestyle.” You thought your relationship with your parents had grown into one of mutual respect, and it sounds like you did indeed think wrong, either through your naivete or their deceit or both. Regardless, it’s devastating news for you and a monstrous reflection on them.

As you decide what’s next – in other words, whether to give up on your parents – I think you’ll open yourself up to fewer lurking regrets if you address all the complexities directly and resist the temptation to black-and-white Mom and Dad out of your life.

Based on an interpretation of zero progress, you have only deceit, and therefore no relationship. Based on an interpretation of some progress, you do have a relationship with them – one based, if nothing else, on mutual desire for parents and child not to go through life estranged. You looked past their hatred once, by choice, for your own reasons. There was something in it for you. And their inadequate effort may have been, to them, huge.

The net result is really just that classic intimacy-killer, agreeing to disagree – but with the weight both of family and of heartfelt intentions behind it. And while family and heartfelt intentions no longer may be enough for you, your history says they have been important both to you and to your parents. And so even if they’re ultimately rejected now, they deserve to be thoughtfully so.