Carolyn Hax: In-laws’ criticism hard to ignore

Dear Carolyn: My husband of 10 years treats me like gold. My problem is his parents. Nearly every time I’m around them, even in public, one of them makes some comment about fat, calories, dieting successes, dieting failures, who gained weight, who lost weight, so-and-so’s “fat gut,” etc. I’m a little overweight, but regardless I feel these comments are unnecessary and thoughtless. They aren’t in great shape themselves. Also, mother-in-law is a teetotaler who carps about alcohol. If you’re drinking something, she keeps glancing at your glass, which I find annoying. I am cordial, but I try to minimize contact with my in-laws. When I complain, my husband says there’s nothing he can do and I should ignore them. Any suggestions? – Hot and Bothered in Bakersfield

There’s nothing you can do and you should ignore them.

But since we all realize how much harder that is to do than to say, here’s a more active suggestion: Change the subject.

I mean this literally. When they zig about weight, you zag about, I don’t know, butterflies; either they’ll get the message, or you’ll get them talking about something else, or you’ll get the weight thing out in the open. Win-win-win.

I also mean it figuratively. You seem to think you are the implied subject of all of their rants about weight. Maybe they are the implied subject: two people who derive a sense of superiority from believing that, when it comes to healthy habits, they know best.

Does this make their comments any less obnoxious? Maybe only a little.

But you can mitigate their effect at the root by reminding yourself that people who assert superiority are people who feel the need to.

Certainly you’re under no obligation to like them, and it’s perfectly fair to keep being cordial and scarce. I merely propose that you ask yourself: Why grant them magnitude when they themselves likely feel small?

Dear Carolyn: What are the proper expectations for friendship? One person (say, me) is always the one who does the contacting, and it would be nice if the other person also makes an effort. – Confused on the Cape

Few friendships exist on ideal terms, and few friends agree on what “ideal” would be anyway. So, if you’d rather do all the work than lose the friendship, then do all the work. But if the unequal terms hurt you more than the friendship helps, then ask the other person for more effort. If that doesn’t produce a more satisfying friendship, you can surrender yourself to the fade.