Clippers, Lakers doing their best to wake up L.A.
From my somewhat modest Los Angeles neighborhood, through the waft of purple haze and unpublished screenplays, I can see the line of BMWs slowly streaming toward Staples Center. And why are they bumper-to-bumper to pay $30 for parking?
Because here in Tinsel town – that’s right, my friends, where broken dreams and nightmarish sitcoms are made – we are home to the NBA’s Clippers and the NBA’s Lakers, who just might be the best in the West.
(In Los Angeles, we have two of everything: Two NBA teams, two NHL teams, two MLB teams, two Hilton sisters and two Botox procedures per household. We used to have two pro football teams; now we just have NFL Sunday Ticket.)
At any given moment this season, the Clippers and the Lakers will sit atop the Pacific Division. The curious thing here is: Staples Center will fill up, but most of southern California doesn’t even manage a yawn – yawning is clinically proven to induce premature wrinkling – in regard to the NBA before playoff time.
Then again, L.A. doesn’t get excited about anything.
(The only things we ever rally around are the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys and the annual unveiling of the new line of Bentley Coupes.)
(Boy, there’s a lot of money in this town. Over at David Geffen’s estate, it grows on trees.)
(Did I mention that I live in a somewhat modest neighborhood? For me to get to 90210, it takes two buses, one transfer and a reference from the late Aaron Spelling.)
The average Angelino can’t name two Lakers other than Kobe Bryant, any Clipper or the current mayor. But we can tell you who’s most likely to get booted from “American Idol” in a heartbeat!
(Speaking of Kobe, that tattoo on his right arm is rather elaborate and labyrinthine. From certain angles, it looks like a Hieronymus Bosch painting; from other angles, it looks like a reconfigured map of Eastern Europe.)
The Clippers are a little better than the Lakers, but the Lakers still have more cachet. The stars always come out for the Lakers – by the way, Jack, take the shades off; it’s a basketball game, not a hold ‘em tournament – while NBA purists favor the Clippers. You can scalp a Lakers ticket for the price of a newborn baby. You can scalp a Clippers ticket for the price of, well, a Clippers ticket.
(Incidentally, the NBA hires people to sit in Staples Center seats until season-ticket holders arrive late in the second quarter.)
(Yes, the teams share the same building. The Clippers used to play at the Sports Arena, which, I believe, was home to secret U.S. government nuclear testing in the early 1960s.)
Because the Lakers and the Clippers play each other four times a season and, obviously, don’t have to venture out of town to do so, some NBA observers have observed this is a big competitive advantage. For both teams, less travel should translate to better rested.
Ah, but what these travel neophytes don’t understand is this: It is easier to go from downtown L.A. to downtown Cleveland than it is to go from downtown L.A. to downtown L.A.
You read that right.
Speaking for my fellow Angelinos, we get rest when we leave town.
It took me 25 minutes the other day just to pull out of my driveway.
You don’t think the 405 freeway is a parking lot? Then why are there parking lot attendants standing in the middle of the 405? Heck, traffic is so slow on the 110, most new Starbucks here open on the 110.
Anyway, come playoff time, the Lakers and the Clippers will meet. It will be Kobe Bryant and Lamar Odom vs. Elton Brand and Sam Cassell (they’re Clippers!) – Jack Nicholson behind one L.A. bench, Billy Crystal behind the other – with the winner likely the Western Conference representative in the NBA Finals.
At least that’s the script I just finished writing. Of course, I can’t get anybody to read it.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Before a high school soccer game in North Carolina, the home team played a speech by Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels over the P.A. system. Would you characterize this as a disturbing development? (Steve Clements; Liberty, Texas)
A. Ironically, Goebbels listened to Pat O’Brien’s “win just one for the Gipper” speech in “Knute Rockne All American” the night before Germany invaded Russia in World War II.
Q. Is there any reasonable explanation for LeBron James walking off the court last week in the final seconds of overtime and his Cavaliers trailing the Atlanta Hawks 104-95? (Michael Smith; Dishman, Wash.)
A. It’s entirely possible he was running late for a dinner date with Randy Moss.
Q. Whatever happened to the Oakland Raiders’ famed vertical offense? (Corey Massick; Glendale, Wis.)
A. It is a victim of horizontal integration, otherwise known as “sacking Andrew Walter.”
Q. If Heath Shuler turns out to be only a so-so congressman, can Nancy Pelosi replace him mid-term with Gus Frerotte? (Alan Zimmerman; Charlottesville, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.