Reader has history with gal-pal’s date

Dear Carolyn: In the past year, I’ve become friends with this woman. Both of us are excited to be with our current boyfriends. Imagine my surprise when hers turned out to be a guy I had a few dates with several years ago. Imagine my disappointment (disgust?) when I found out her love is someone who was a major jerk to me.

On one hand, I’m happy for my friend, for she is clearly happy. But on the other, I still can’t stomach her boyfriend. Do I tell her our (brief) history, including his lies to me? Do I congratulate her on getting good behavior out of a jerk? Do I give him a second chance? – Her Happiness/My Disgust

Have you asked him?

She does need to know you dated him. The longer you stall, the more it smells like chicken.

As for sharing your opinion of him: When I see “a few dates … several years ago,” my first impulse is to question how much he could have done to you in such a limited context.

Obviously, some horrors can transpire in a matter of minutes – but when someone rapes you, beats you, spits on you, cusses you out, steals your money, propositions your mother, or neglects to mention he’s married, that’s the kind of history you share with your friend on the spot.

What’s left is usually gray, stuff that someone you didn’t really know said or did to someone he didn’t really know. Several years ago. It can be proof of his irredeemable character – or of clashing perspectives, of your oversensitivity, or of his brave transformation.

So, ask him. He knows your history, too. Ask him what he’d do in your place. His answer should tell you anything you need to know.

In the event that asking him isn’t practical, ask yourself: Why give him a second chance? Then, be patient. Let your open mind, his behavior, her happiness, and time collectively answer it for you.

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I will be spending Thanksgiving with his relatives. I’m a vegan, and his family is anything but. I’d like to bring a vegan dish that everyone can share, but my boyfriend says this would be “rude,” and I should just eat what everyone else does. I don’t want to insult his relatives, but I’d like to eat more than just a plate of cranberry sauce. What do you suggest? – M.M.

I suggest that your boyfriend open his hand, turn his palm up, and slam it against his forehead.

People on restricted diets, for whatever reason, can’t just un-restrict them for a day – not without risking, at minimum, great discomfort to body and principle.

While the ideal guest takes pleasure in whatever a host cares to serve, the ideal host wants to know what guests are unable to eat. Your boyfriend needs to accept that and put you in touch with your hosts, so you can plan without making a fuss.

Or, more bluntly: Your boyfriend needs to accept you. He knows who you are; no fair asking you to change just because he feels the need to fit in.