Carolyn Hax: Thin-skinned sister’s home too small for 30
Dear Carolyn: I’m one of many brothers and sisters, and we get together frequently. One sister likes to have us all to her house, which is generous, since when we’re all together – siblings, in-laws, children – there are over 30 people. Problem is twofold: First, her house, while beautiful, isn’t quite big enough to hold us all comfortably, and second, she’s unhappily married and nitpicks her husband in public. It makes everyone uncomfortable. But she often insists we gather at HER house, and her feelings are hurt if we suggest otherwise. Any ideas about how to gently inform her that we’re all sick of watching her henpeck her husband and that her house is actually not ideal for a huge family party? She can be pretty thin-skinned. – Anonymous
Impressive, the power of eggshell egos. One person is holding 30 others hostage without so much as a roll of duct tape.
Stop being so cowed by your captor, and figure out what you really want: egos intact, or omelet? You can’t have both.
If it helps, fear of drama is never cause to indulge oversensitive people, for reasons you’re seeing firsthand – you gain nothing and the drama goes on unabated.
Instead, have the courage either to press the issue you care about, or to let go and stop caring. The latter is ideal, since it renders you drama-proof – “Sure, your house, whatever.”
But only if you mean it. If the party location is important to you – or just breaking your sister’s stranglehold on it – then my answer is onefold: Don’t make the mistake of treating an impersonal fact as hurtful just because she is hurt by it. “I love your house, but we don’t all fit.”
When she takes it personally anyway? “It’s not personal” – then you lightly but firmly proceed.
I realize showing regard for others includes not trampling on known sensitivities. But when someone has nothing but sensitivities, tiptoeing around them not only puts irrational restrictions on everyone else, but also validates that person’s every snit, huff and hissy. (Try saying that three times fast.)
When you treat it as if it’s a personal attack to propose a new gathering place, you essentially confirm that she herself, not her house, is the problem. Your regard becomes a disservice.
You may be thinking: Yes, but the part about henpecking her husband is about her. But surely that misery travels wherever they do.
And for that, it might help not to inform but to listen. “You’ve been tough on Bill lately. Anything you want to talk about?” Make an overture, not just a point.
Dear Carolyn: I’m a single woman with my own home. I had a boyfriend once who resented it when I asked him to set up my home theater system, after he told me (unsolicited) that I had done it wrong. I’m dating a guy now who pointed out a problem with a light fixture. He’s told me he’s replaced fixtures before. Would I be wrong to ask him kindly if he could fix mine? – Washington
It’s not wrong to ask, but why not ask him to teach you how to fix it? Either way, he can always refuse. And you can see whether this guy cares about you, or, like the last one, only about being right.