Stuck in traffic? ViaDoug quiz will calm your road rage

The Interstate 90 construction nightmare through downtown Spokane has begun, turning our normal golden healthy freeway traffic flow into a sickly pale trickle.

Already drivers are becoming angry. Some have installed machine guns on their front bumpers.

But as I learned back in high school, education is the key to making any situation worse. To that end I have prepared the following 12-question “ViaDoug Viaduct Quiz” to help make your highway passage a breeze.

Circle your answers. Then clip and mail your test for grading to: The Washington State Department of Transportation, P.O. Box 47300, Olympia, WA 98504.

(Please. No looking over your neighbor’s shoulder.)

1. The Interstate 90 grooves that have been targeted for resurfacing:

A. Were caused by studded tires.

B. Were put there to help sleepy drivers stay on track.

C. Ruts symbolize Spokane’s general state of being.

2. The closure of several key freeway on- and offramps will have a dire economic impact on:

A. Third Avenue merchants.

B. The entire downtown shopping district.

C. That shabby dude with the “Homeless vet stranded, hungry and broke” sign.

3. When stuck in a long line of slow-moving traffic, Interstate 90 drivers should:

A. Stretch frequently to keep circulation flowing.

B. Hum a happy tune to pass the time.

C. Stay mentally alert with a generous toot of crystal meth.

4. In the event of a pressing bathroom emergency, drivers mired in Interstate 90 traffic should:

A. Cross legs and count to a billion.

B. Pray for blessed deliverance.

C. Roll down a window and ask the nearest construction worker if you can borrow his hard hat.

5. The freeway construction through downtown Spokane is being done by:

A. The Washington State Department of Transportation.

B. A county jail work release crew.

C. Card-carrying members of Goldbrickers Local 101.

6. Before entering the exciting and lucrative world of highway flagging, a potential flagger must:

A. Demonstrate a command of highway traffic laws.

B. Pass an exhaustive roadside safety exam.

C. Be able to open a six-pack while sprawled in a hammock.

7. News coverage of the I-90 resurfacing project by The Spokesman-Review and TV journalists has been:

A. Slightly excessive.

B. Borderline hysterical.

C. More overblown than The Weekly World News predicting an invasion of two-headed space cannibals.

8. Being the target of road rage is:

A. So unlikely it really isn’t worth worrying about.

B. Something to keep in mind whenever you slide behind the wheel.

C. No big deal as long you’ve got Mr. Smith & Mr. Wesson riding with you.

9. While stuck in an I-90 traffic jam, a driver should:

A. Give an encouraging smile to construction workers.

B. Keep eyes straight ahead on the vehicle in front of you.

C. Be ready to give a middle-fingered salute to any bastard who gets in your way.

10. Getting a speeding citation in a highway construction zone:

A. Will cost you double the fine.

B. Will ruin your auto insurance rates.

C. Is OK as long the cop doesn’t find the bale of B.C. bud in your trunk.

11. During the I-90 resurfacing, drivers who work in downtown Spokane should:

A. Choose an alternate route.

B. Leave home an hour earlier than normal.

C. Find a new job with a faster commute – like in Chewelah.

12. With a little luck our I-90 makeover will be completed in time for:

A. Labor Day.

B. Halloween.

C. The opening of “Mission Impossible IV.”