Affairs not easily explained

Dear Carolyn: “Jenny” is my next-door neighbor. We are both stay-at-home moms with preschool-age children, so our families spend a lot of time playing together, going to kid-oriented activities together, etc. Jenny and I often swap child-care duties when one of us needs a few kid-free hours. Jenny also is very committed to the neighborhood – deeply involved in the civic association and the like. Jenny has been a great neighbor, a great mom and a good friend. My problem is that I don’t know what is real about her anymore. I’ve just discovered with my own eyes that she is having an affair (she doesn’t know I observed her). I’m totally freaked out. Her husband is a sweet guy and a great father. If she is not true to her husband, how do I know other parts of her life are not a lie too? How can I trust her to look after my kids? How can I be friends with her? – Va.

By not judging?

Certainly it’s your prerogative to sever the friendship with Jenny. Affairs can be extremely selfish, malicious, destructive, just as people who have them can be.

They also can be complicated and difficult to judge – not coincidentally, just as people can be. History is packed with examples of people who graced the world by day and desecrated their marriages by night. Were these people wrong? Yes. Were they all devoid of value? Hardly.

But why draw on history when you can go next door. You say yourself that Jenny has been “a great neighbor, a great mom and a good friend”; just as these contributions could be a deceptive front, so could the sweetness of Jenny’s husband (which wouldn’t excuse the affair but certainly could explain it). Likewise, her goodness and his sweetness could both be genuine, and the affair an awful mistake.

So before you judge Jenny, make sure you include everything you’ve seen with your own eyes, not just the bad – and weigh these against everything else you can’t possibly know.

Or: Step off the bench altogether and ask yourself what a good friend would do.

Carolyn: I’m suffering chronic heartache over my long-term crush who’s in a long-term relationship. I know telling him would just be selfish – totally unfair to him. So how come I can’t stop thinking about what a relief it would be to confess? He’s not married, after all. – In Philly

If your confession would be unfair, it’s to his girlfriend, whose mate you’re trying to poach. But you’re the one who stands to lose the most. Not by speaking up and not by shutting up, since either one can succeed or fail – but by letting your happiness ride on the outcome. No one person can bring you happiness. Put this guy in perspective, and then decide if you’ll confess.