How do you prepare for a bird flu pandemic?

With chicken. Chicken of the Sea, actually.

You should pick up a few cans at the store this weekend. And you should get more than you’d normally buy, according to U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt.

Leavitt is midway through a 50-state tour to encourage local officials to get ready for a pandemic. Speaking at recent “flu summits” in several Western states, he also had advice for individuals.

“When you go to the store and buy three cans of tuna fish, buy a fourth and put it under the bed,” he said. “When you go to the store to buy some milk, pick up a box of powdered milk. Put it under the bed. When you do that for a period of four to six months, you are going to have a couple of weeks of food. And that’s what we’re talking about.”

No one I know had been talking about canned tuna and powdered milk, so I guessed that Leavitt was tipping us to the government’s secret plan for dealing with bird flu. This made sense. Who would think of tuna and powdered milk as a couple weeks of food? Who would want to keep it on the floor under the bed?

Cats.

Of course – cats can pursue flu-carrying fowl the same way Sylvester chased the cunning Tweety Bird in Looney Tunes cartoons. Cats will be the first line of defense, and they will need to be fed.

Probably it was another part of the Looney Tunes plan when Dick Cheney did his Elmer Fudd routine in Texas, blasting away at small birds in the brush and an old bird in his hunting party.

But further checking showed I was wrong. The tuna and powdered milk are for us, which means you might want to include some mayonnaise, onions and celery.

Just as the government once advised sealing off the house with plastic sheeting and duct tape to ward off biological and chemical attack, it now recommends moving the shoes, luggage, wrapping paper and dust bunnies out of the way to turn the bed into a pantry.

To prepare for a pandemic, in other words, the government says you should sleep with the fishes. Or at least over the tuna.

Not because of anything found in tuna, such as protein or mercury. And it doesn’t matter if it’s packed in water or oil.

Leavitt recommended tuna because he said families should prepare for a possible pandemic the same way they would for a major blizzard, making sure to have food and water and first-aid kits. The government says your flu-ready kit also should include hand cleaner, a flashlight, radio and batteries – presumably as a hedge against birds knocking out power and public utilities.

The secret plan turns out to be YOYO: You’re On Your Own. Anybody who expects the federal government to come in and rescue them will be “tragically wrong” and “sorely disappointed,” Leavitt said – meaning anybody who missed the news from New Orleans last summer.

A pandemic might come, or it might not. Regardless, Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns said, “There’s no way you can protect the United States by building a giant cage around it and preventing wild birds from flying in and out. It would be almost biblical to think we would be protected.”

There is always that, and it might help explain why President Bush last week ordered creation of a center on faith-based initiatives within the Department of Homeland Security.

While you’re down on your knees, stuffing tuna under the bed, you can raise your gaze upward and reflect about bird flu.

A wing and a prayer – that’s the plan. And Chicken of the Sea.