Carolyn Hax: She’s convinced, won’t be swayed

Dear Carolyn: I have a good friend, 33, who is going to settle for a not-great guy just because she is feeling her biological clock and wants to be married. Advice for me as her friend? – D.C.

Get used to listening to her complain about her not-great marriage.

What can I say. People who do this aren’t saying to themselves, “He’s not that great, but I really want a baby.” They’re telling themselves how great this guy is because they really want a baby. And people who are telling themselves what they want to hear are uniquely unreceptive to hearing anything else. Poor kid.

Dear Carolyn: One of my best friends is having marital problems. Her husband has left her multiple times. This last time he left her (while she was seven months pregnant, incidentally), she confessed to me that they were getting a divorce and that she thinks they just don’t have what it takes to make it work. I took the offered opening to give my two cents: that it seems she never thought she was good enough for him, when in my opinion he wasn’t good enough for her.

Well, now they have reconciled, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have two options: Fake my support and enthusiasm, or be honest if she asks and tell her I think she is making a mistake. Neither of these options appeals to me, and more often than not I feel like I just want to remove myself from the entire situation and cut my ties with her. – H.

You do have some options between your two options. There’s a more honest alternative to faking support: “You know how I feel, but yours are the feelings that matter.” And there’s a tactful alternative to pointing out her mistake: “I’m worried about you.”

But neither of these will appeal to you, either, if you really can’t deal anymore. Before you mobilize a full retreat from the friendship, though, try a partial one just from the marriage-counseling role, by requesting she switch to a pro.

Carolyn: I started seeing this really great woman, and we have been out four times and we have a great time, but at the end of the night I get flustered because I really like her and don’t want to screw this up but haven’t dated in five years, and the first kiss is starting to feel like a big issue for me. Any suggestions on bringing this up so she knows I am really interested but nervous? – Denver

I think she knows.

But tell her anyway. “I want to kiss you but I’m really nervous.” (1) It’ll guarantee she knows. (2) If you’ve been cool enough not to look nervous, you can get away with a line like this. (3) If you’ve looked exactly as nervous as you are, then you can still get away with it because four dates say she doesn’t mind that you’re a spluttering mess. (4) No matter what, it’ll end the suspense.