Unreasonable is asking cat lover for cat-free zone

Dear Carolyn: I have recently become engaged to a wonderful guy, and we are planning to move in together. “Joe” has two cats that he is absolutely crazy about, and I knew were a nonnegotiable item early on in the relationship. I’ve never had cats, never liked them, never wanted them, but I would never ask Joe to give them up. However, I have asked that we designate our bedroom a cat-free zone. The trouble is, Joe says most of the pleasure he derives from owning cats comes from having them sleep with him. I don’t think it’s fair that I be awakened several times nightly because I am being stepped on. I feel I am already making a compromise for Joe regarding the cats, and I don’t think my request is all that unreasonable. Is it? – It’s Not You, It’s Meow

Joe wants to sleep with his cats; you want to sleep. That suggests Joe is arguing for a luxury over your basic need, which would make Joe the unreasonable one.

If reasonableness applied here. It doesn’t. It’s about priorities. If it’s worth it to Joe to put you through hell so he can sleep with his cats, that’s his call. If you’d rather be with Joe than feel rested and loved, that’s your call.

And if you move in hoping Joe will change his mind, then “unreasonable” would finally fit.

Carolyn: I am divorced, and dating a wonderful man who also is divorced. I would marry him right now, the only hesitation is that he has a young child with his ex-wife. His son is very sweet and we visit him every couple of months (she lives in another state, he moved away after the divorce), but I do not plan to have children of my own. This current arrangement is tolerable, but I worry how things will change as his child gets older, and whether for some reason he will want to uproot our lives to be closer to him. He talks about his visiting for a couple of weeks or even the whole summer when he is older, and it makes me cringe. We have an honest relationship and he knows how I feel about children and even that I prefer not to spend more than a few days with his. I want to talk to him but am afraid that I am being completely selfish. How do I bring this up without hurting him or painting myself as a wicked stepmother? – L.

Translation: How do you bring this up without costing yourself a good thing?

Answer, you just do.

You don’t like kids. That doesn’t make you a wicked stepmother. To achieve that distinction, you’d need to conceal your dread of the future, or come between father and son, or otherwise serve your own interests at a little boy’s expense.

And because you’re afraid the truth will cost you this relationship – I did translate correctly, right? – then telling it wouldn’t be selfish. Withholding it would. It would force either a father to distance himself from his son, or a son to spend a whole summer where he isn’t entirely welcome.

If it’s enough to end your relationship now, then it would have been enough to ruin your relationship later. Out with it, please. Soon.