Idaho DWI: Driving With Idiots

A fiftysomething Coeur d’Alene Berry Picker had the misfortune of waiting for a red light at Fourth & Appleway, eastbound, behind a Degeneration X couple we’ll call Bonnie and Clod. Seems the two blond horndogs in the white convertible with the top down were deep into the second period of a tonsil hockey game when the light turned green Sunday afternoon. They were so engrossed in fore- and fifth-play they didn’t notice. The Berry Picker finally honked her horn five seconds into the light change, only to get a nasty look and the finger from Clod. Midway across the intersection, Bonnie – mebbe we should call her Little Miss Soon-To-Be-An-Unwed Mother – gave the Berry Picker a one-finger salute, too. But that wasn’t the end of it. As Clod turned the corner from Best Avenue onto Ninth, he glared at the middle-aged Berry Picker one more time and flipped her off again. The gene pool’s pretty shallow in that part of town.

Beware: Guard on duty

You may have seen Wallace & Grommit’s “The Curse of the Were Rabbit.” But you haven’t seen the attack of the Were Security Guard, unless you wandered away from the Riverstone cinemas after watching “Cars” and eating barbecue, like Family Phil Corless and his kids did recently. Phil wanted to photograph that old Central Pre-Mix hole that’s being converted into a manmade pond nearby. But he hadn’t taken two steps beyond a posted artist’s rendition of the future pond and city park before a security guard screeched to a halt in his rig and screamed, “You’re trespassing.” Phil responded thoughtfully: Hunh? “You’re trespassing! There’s signs all over the place!” sputtered the Were Guard, pointing to signs 60 feet away in one direction, 30 feet away in another, and some beyond those. Immediately, Phil realized it was useless to say he hadn’t seen the signs and stepped back on the curb. Satisfied, RoboGuard zoomed off. But all was not lost, figured Phil: “My kids learned a little something about little men who think they have big power.” Isn’t that how Napoleon got his start?

‘Rudy’ envy?

You may know that Sean Astin played the leading role in the tear-jerker “Rudy” before he portrayed Frodo’s sidekick, Sam, in “The Lord of the Rings.” And some of you know that Coeur d’Alene Councilman Mike Kennedy is Sean’s first cousin. Sean’s mother, actress Patty Duke, who lives in Coeur d’Alene, is sister to Mike’s mother. But did you know that there’s a standing joke in Mike’s family about Sean’s performance in “Rudy”? Last week, Mike enlightened the Huckleberries Online crowd: ” ‘Rudy’ still ticks me off (after I’m done blubbering while watching it) since Notre Dame rejected me undergrad and law school, and Cuz gets carried off the field on the shoulders of the faithful (without even applying for admission). Life just ain’t fair!” There is an upside, however. Mike didn’t have to pack Frodo, half dead, up the side of Mount Doom. Nor does he have as one of his credits, “The Goonies.”

Poet’s corner

“One hundred twelve miles on a bike’s/more sitting than a hemorrhoid likes/and twenty-six miles on the run/will leave a joint or two undone – /even water’s rather risky/if not mixed with well-aged whiskey” – The Bard of Sherman Avenue (“Why He Doesn’t Enter Ironman”).

Huckleberries

The irony of cuffed supremacist Vincent Bertollini and a black inmate being escorted together into a Bonner County courtroom wasn’t lost on the bailiffs last week. One sang to himself: “Ebony and ivory … live together in perfect harmony …” ‘Twasn’t the caliber of Sir Paul and Stevie. But the point was well taken … “Crap, that’s all I have to say” – a North Idaho refugee who’s living in Seattle upon learning that his parents were moving from viewtiful Coeur d’Alene to Pocatello … A group of lions are called a “pride,” right? And a group of quail is a “covey.” The group – cluster? – of commenters at Huckleberries came up with some grand names for the S-R editors who now huddle at 10 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. weekdaily on the Internet. “Confusion,” “quibble” and “wind tunnel” were my favorites … Bumpersnicker: “Club Gitmo: Your Tropical Retreat From the Stress of Jihad” … Believe it or not, the cluster of HBO commenters agreed easily about the best Chinese place in Coeur d’Alene – Safeway’s Chinese deli. Such is the state of Oriental affairs in our homogenous community … Idaho’s Democrats – both of ‘em – are still chuckling about the Repub color scheme for the elephant emblem at the GOP state convention last week – blue. A blue elephant? In fire-engine-red Idaho? Is the political worm turning in the Gem State?

Parting shot

Didja hear the one about the guy who tried to impersonate Duane Hagadone at CDA’s 24-Hour Fitness the other day. Trouble is, the guy, Ralph R. Chicks, 45, is at least 25 years younger than The Duane and doesn’t look like him. When asked to leave, Chicks raced behind the counter to punch the desk attendant in the jaw – all of which got him this offer from Judge Scott Wayman: voluntary committal to a mental facility or 30 days in jail for misdemeanor parole violation.