Annie’s Mailbox: Unsatisfied with forbidden fruit

Dear Annie: My husband and I were both virgins when we married recently. We started dating in college, and after six months, we both knew we had a special relationship. We wanted to take intimacy to a higher level, but also wanted to save something for marriage. We didn’t have intercourse, although we did everything else. Our “sex life” was outstanding.

Since marriage, however, things have gone downhill. Intercourse is not at all satisfying for me, and it has become stressful for my husband. I’ve discussed therapy, but he feels we can’t afford it since we are saving for a house and want to start a family in a few years. Is this going to be as good as it gets? What can we do to reignite the spark? – Need Intimacy in San Carlos, Calif.

Dear San Carlos: The “forbidden” can be very exciting, and this could explain why your sex life is not as satisfying as it was before. However, sometimes simple anatomy makes fulfillment more complicated than you expect. And your dissatisfaction may make your husband feel inadequate, which in turn, can lead to other problems, making sex unpleasant altogether. You can get information and help through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (aasect.org), P.O. Box 1960, Ashland, VA 23005-1960.

Dear Annie: I would guess my problem is not unusual. I have two sons, and both married women from huge families. Since my husband and I are only children and have no relatives in this area, holidays are a problem.

My daughters-in-law are always invited to the home of one of their family members for the day. That means even when I have holiday dinners at our home, they either refuse to come or are here only briefly before running off without eating, saying they must be elsewhere.

If my sons push to have a holiday with us, I know they get a lot of grief from their wives. We have just decided to stay home and not even ask them anymore. What else can we do? – Lonely Holidays

Dear Lonely: First, stop pouting. It doesn’t help. When you are invited to your sons’ homes, don’t make an issue of the fact that their in-laws are not your cup of tea. It’s irrelevant. The important thing is that you are celebrating with your children and their families. Make the best of it.

As for the rest of those holidays, you need to work out an arrangement so that things are more equal. Lovingly explain to your sons and their wives that you would like them to select one holiday each year that would be celebrated in your home (you might even consider inviting the other set of parents).