Norman Chad: Here’s 5 things in sports even Chad won’t try

In the world of commerce, for every Warren Buffett and Bill Gates there are scores of guys named Skip answering phones, sorting mail or trailing Ralph Lauren with a feather duster. In the world of sports, it’s the same story: Daniel Snyder can commute by private jet if he chooses; most of his Redskins employees are happy with the warranty on their Hyundai Elantra.

Indeed, Couch Slouch – a former steakhouse dishwasher himself – knows there are plenty of bad jobs out there. For those of you stuck in one right now, I realize that misery loves company, so let me brighten your day with the Five Worst Jobs in Sports:

Chain-gang member, football games: Some jobs are stepping stones. This is not one of them.

At every NFL game, a couple of guys hang out just off the field of play, and, every once in a while, they are summoned onto the field of play to help determine if a team has made a first down. They do this by “bringing out the chains,” which stretch 10 yards apart.

Once you have mastered this skill, I don’t think your next stop is the front office.

On the plus side, it’s only about a three-hour day and you get to work outdoors. On the minus side, you’re often working outdoors in Green Bay, in December.

Frankly, I’m surprised they haven’t outsourced this work yet. We’re talking about standing on a sideline and moving a stick up and down a field – wouldn’t this be one of those jobs Americans won’t do?

Picador, bullfights: Everyone loves the matador – suave and confident, with his small red cape challenging the fury of the bull and his sword fatally stabbing his prey.

Yeah, well, before Mr. Big Shot Carried Off On The Shoulders Of His Admirers enters the ring, the picador does all the real work.

He comes in on a blindfolded horse, and as the bull unrelentingly attacks at full strength, the picador must repeatedly take his drug-tipped lance to woozy and weaken the animal, sending the poor four-legged sap onto Queer Street before The Man With The Cape And The Ego The Size Of Gibraltar sashays in to finish things off.

Then the picador goes home to wash away all the blood, sweat and tears while the matador goes home with Scarlett Johansson and a bottle of rum.

Chip runner, card rooms: Card rooms traffic in a single currency: chips. You give ‘em cash, they give you chips. You then use the chips to make your bets.

Larger card rooms employ individuals who sell customers chips right at the card table so they don’t have to go to the casino cashier. Chip runners roam the card room, with racks of chips in their apron pockets, waiting to hear a dealer yell, “Chip runner to Table 19!”

Chip runners work for tips, and therein lies the problem.

Frankly, you’d find more satisfied people if you were a toll taker on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Poker players are often a surly lot. In this situation, the chip runner is usually selling chips to someone who has just lost all his chips, someone who is angry at the dealer, angry at the player who just beat him and angry at his recent or impending divorce.

Good luck on the tip.

Custodial attendant, dog shows: Sure, all everyone sees is the glamour of the Lhasa Apso or the majesty of the black Lab strutting their stuff before throngs of devotees under the bright lights at the Westminster Dog Show.

Alas, there is a dark and dirty underbelly to the canine world that TV won’t show.

I’ve been there, my friends – years before I hunkered down on the pro poker tour, I navigated the dog-show circuit. And every five minutes or so comes that unmistakable P.A. announcement: “Cleanup man to Ring 7, cleanup man to Ring 7.”

Trust me on this one: When a dog does his deed in the ring at any point of the competition, his day is over. Meanwhile, for the custodial attendant – who is, at once, invaluable and invisible – his day has just begun.

Commissioner, National Hockey League: Honestly, what’s the point?

Ask The Slouch

Q. NBC finally gave up on Arena Football. What gives? (Steve Lowe; Houston)

A. I loved arena ball, but nobody watched. Usually when you put things indoors, they do well – a piano sounds better indoors than outdoors, a coffeemaker works better indoors than outdoors, Ally Sheedy acts better indoors than outdoors. These are facts.

Q. Even as an ugly American, can’t you concede that the British Open is golf’s best major? (Allen Clement; Provo, Utah)

A. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that the British invented golf. How about vegetables? You think you can get a good piece of asparagus over there? Plus, for those of us following it over here, I have a hard time getting stoked watching Stewart Cink hit a wedge at 6 o’clock in the morning.

Q. Why is it that the umpire throws out a pitched ball that hits the dirt whereas a batted ball that hits the dirt remains in the game? (Frank Svegel; Mentor, Ohio)

A. That question’s got “Ask Marilyn” written all over it.