Mom wants family to accept her married lover

Carolyn: A year ago my family discovered my mom had been having an affair with a married man for the past three years. To make matters worse, the guy has two young sons. Naturally, this destroyed my family, but a year later I think we’re all making it.

I’m civil to my mom, but not much more. The man she is having an affair with continues to promise to leave his wife, but after now four years, he still hasn’t. My bet is that he never does. Anyhow, my mom wants me to accept and embrace this man and the life she leads. The very core of my being finds this sort of behavior disgusting. I literally get physically ill when my mom brings her affair up. What can I do? I still want to have a relationship with her, but I’m not interested in being introduced to her lover to become “friends.” – Trying Not to Be Sick

You can tell your mom that you have a limit. That this limit might change someday, but that embracing the man at the center of so much pain – for you, for your family, for her – is beyond that limit right now.

She might not like this. But, tough.

You want to keep a relationship with your mother, understood. She also wants to keep her relationship with you, though, or else she wouldn’t be lobbying so hard for approval.

I’m not suggesting you use this to push her around, just that you recognize it, and thereby free yourself to heed your conscience – and the limits it imposes – as opposed to your fear of sustaining yet another emotional loss.

One thing about your conscience though: Don’t feel it’s up to you to punish your mom for all this. It’s not your responsibility, or place, for that matter – nor is it necessary, apparently. Sounds like she’s living her punishment now.

Dear Carolyn: I’m in my mid-20s, and have been doing the online dating thing pretty regularly for a while. However, I never am able to get a second date out of it. Friends think I am doing something to send off a bad vibe, which has got me second-guessing myself. I keep myself busy, but I also am ready to start a relationship. I’m starting to wonder if it’s the women I go after. Any thoughts on where I can turn for help or objective opinions? – Va.

You have friends. If some of them are female, why aren’t you dating them, or women like them, or women they like?

If none of them is female, then you probably have your answer.

As convenient as online dating may be, it’s not going to deliver artificially what isn’t happening naturally. Comfortable relationships with women are what will produce a second date with a woman, and getting comfortable is something best accomplished slowly, platonically and offline.

If you do have female friends, then you can be your own objective opinion: Are you the same guy on dates as you are when you’re out with your friends?