Try to tolerate her somehow

Dear Carolyn: I don’t know if this is a bona fide moral dilemma or just something I need to get over. For seven years my fiance and I have had a very good friend, “Mike.” Mike started dating Angela, and the four of us had lots of fun, took vacations together, etc. Angela and I had a friendship, with occasional strong disagreements – I felt she was narcissistic and immature; she thought I was snobby and judgmental. Then, Angela cheated on Mike, a one-time thing, and they broke up.

They got back together, and we resumed our double-date friendship. Angela went through a lot of family drama, and we all tried to support her. Then a year later Angela cheated again, this time for three months of lying and sneaking around. Mike was devastated (again).

Now it’s six months later, and they’re getting back together. My fiance just went to lunch with the two of them. He is less judgmental than I am and, frankly, Angela never got on his nerves the way she got on mine, even at our closest. I am honestly surprised by how angry and betrayed I feel, because I know this isn’t about me. I don’t know if I can be civil to her, let alone resume our friendship. – Caught in Between

I don’t know if you can, either. Which is too bad, because your friendship with Mike probably depends on it – for practical reasons, and also because a guy who has apparently chosen to be in denial probably won’t seek out someone who keeps reminding him of the truth.

But this is an argument only for civility, and only because you think Mike is worth it. As far as Angela goes, I don’t think you’re under any obligation to force down the same happy pills Mike is popping.

Just because Angela didn’t cheat on you doesn’t mean this isn’t about you. It is. You’re being asked to socialize with someone you don’t like and, more important, don’t trust. Friends share time, feelings, secrets – none of which you care to give Angela, for your own, apparently excellent reasons.

So let Mike trust her, and let your fiance like her, and let yourself off the hook for being angry. Then search hard for one solid, persuasive reason to put up with Angela anyway – and if you find it, do it. Call it a bona fide moral dilemma that you force yourself to get over.