It’s just about time to pick on the Trojans

USC and Texas, two of our larger institutions of higher earning, are each sending out several dozen student-athletes Wednesday night to determine the best football scholars in all of America in a game that, from all appearances, will be a very, very, very big deal in most Nielsen homes with a color TV set.

And you thought the David Letterman-Oprah Winfrey meeting was hyped?

(Incidentally, even though there are 92,000 seats at the Rose Bowl, if you want a ticket to this one – unless you have a Kirk Kerkorian-type bankroll – you’d better be sleeping with either a USC cheerleader or Charlie Sheen.)

I’m going to give Texas a pass today – that’s right, you all are excused – because, as the son of a UCLA graduate, I have a genetic predisposition against all things Trojan.

Back East, USC is routinely called Southern Cal. On the West Coast, USC is simply USC. If I’m in the mood to rile my USC acquaintances here in Los Angeles, I just ask them what year they graduated from Southern Cal.

Heck, I assume most USC students don’t even know what “USC” stands for. By extension, I doubt the football team – uh, I mean the student-athletes who play football in their spare time from academic pursuits – is populated with latter-day Ben Franklins and Carl Sagans.

Q. Why doesn’t USC have ice on the sidelines?

A. The guy with the recipe graduated.

Anyway, I’m hoping it rains on the Rose Bowl, something that hasn’t happened in a half-century. Rain might slow down the Trojans.

You know what else slows down USC? Classes!

Speaking of which, my Southern Cal sources tell me quarterback Matt Leinart was distracted in recent days because he had to study for his final exam in his ballroom dancing course.

Q. Why did USC disband its water polo team?

A. All the horses drowned.

The great Bud Furillo, longtime sports editor of the now-defunct Los Angeles Herald Examiner and a USC booster of ridiculous proportions, informed me the other morning that the Trojans have won 34 straight games – what, like I don’t read the papers? – and are seeking a historic third consecutive national title. This would be a “three-peat,” or as they say in the vicinity of Tommy Trojan, a “three-Pete,” in honor of USC Coach Pete Carroll.

Curiously, USC didn’t even play in the BCS title game two seasons ago, so how can this be a possible third championship in a row? Oh, that’s right, the media – the media!!! – said the Trojans were No. 1 in 2003. So even if we’re nice and concede the Trojans shared a “split” national title two seasons ago with BCS champion LSU, that would mean they are going for a “two-and-a-half-peat” this year.

(I realize that USC students and alums likely have difficulty with fractions, but someone from Cal-Berkeley or Stanford can explain the concept to them.)

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, “Wanna hear a USC joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds and I’m a USC graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6-2, 225 and he’s a USC graduate. The fella next to him is 6-5, 250 and he went to USC. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?” The first guy replies, “Naw, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

Word around town is that USC is too big, fast and strong, that Reggie Bush will be the Road Runner to Texas’s Wile E. Coyote and that Vince Young will cower in the face of the Trojans’ unrelenting student-athlete pass rush.

In last year’s BCS title game, USC beat Oklahoma, 55-19. Around campus – Note to USC football players: That’s the place with all the buildings and libraries and stuff – many Trojans backers figure this one could be a repeat rout.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So why the long face?”

Wednesday night, I hope that horse is Traveler.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Would your Team of Destiny, the Arizona Cardinals, count as the biggest disappointment in the NFL this season? (Andy Summers; Oakland, Calif.)

A. No, it’s the Atlanta Falcons, who have no excuse missing the playoffs with Michael Vick healthy virtually all season. Can you imagine “The Sopranos” having a bad season on HBO if James Gandolfini is available for every episode?

Q. Tracy McGrady left the Jazz-Rockets game at halftime because his fiancée was going into labor. Did he make the right call? (Bill Griffith; Chicago)

A. Childbirth is a fairly routine procedure, and McGrady had a shot at a triple double. Bad call.

Q. Any New Year’s resolutions you’d like to share with us? (Larry Lass; Houston)

A. I’m thinking of replacing Casual Fridays with No TV Before Noon Tuesdays.

Q. When Mike Williams lost his court challenge to the NFL underclassman rule and was not allowed to return to college football, did he still count against USC’s salary cap? (Gary Mitrisin; South Euclid, Ohio)

A. Pay this man ASAP, Shirley.