The Slice: Sorry … didn’t have time to wrap

I know.

It’s a little late to be drawing up a Christmas list.

But with theoretical gifts, it’s really the thought that counts. Right?

So here are a few presents The Slice would like to stuff in local stockings.

To Spokane’s 168 safe, courteous drivers: Gift certificates for spring ‘07 car washes.

To the Inland Northwest’s 114 responsible pet owners: Bags of special tartar-control dog/cat chow.

To the 44 people here who do not talk during the show in movie theaters: A DVD of some flick not partially filmed in Spokane.

To the many social service volunteers who do what they do without any expectation of thanks: Sincere thank-you notes.

To the 38,987 area litterers: Wadded up, ketchup-stained fast-food bags.

To the 201 adult Hoopfest participants who don’t blame the court monitors: T-shirts that say “Certified Grown-up.”

To all female coffee-hut employees: Stunguns.

To the 940 hospital staffers who know just when to say “It’s going to be all right”: Tubes of a special hand lotion that works even if you wash your hands 40 times a day.

To the 13 Inland Northwesterners who keep their voices down when speaking on cell phones in public: Boxes of expensive chocolates and autographed pictures of John Blanchette.

To the 18 Inland Northwesterners who do not talk on cell phones while driving: Signed copies of Jess Walter’s novels.

To the thousands of local children who did not ask to have parents who aren’t up to the job: Heartfelt prayers.

To the dozens of Bloomsday cheaters: Gift certificates for counseling.

To the 2,003 ArtFest attendees projecting an “Are you digging me?” vibe: Compact mirrors.

To the 38,002 superstar grandparents: Tasteful blue ribbons.

To the 7,409 desperate folks who think casinos hold the answer to their financial problems: Lottery scratch-cards.

To the 99 parents who understand that sometimes maybe the fault is with the kid (and the parents), not the teacher: Small trophies.

To the 401 people who steal at yard sales: Lumps of coal.

To the 21 Zags fans who — remembering that Spokane still isn’t prominent on the national radar — never sneer and say things like “What’s an Augustana?” or “Where the heck is Butler?”: Handsome, suitable-for-framing U.S. maps.

To the many Canadians who come down here to shop: A little stuffed moose that kiddingly says “Take off, eh.”

To the 300,000 people around here who are consistently kind to the elderly: Certificates for lunch at Thai On 1st.

To the countless readers who shake their heads or roll their eyes at something inane or stupid in The Slice but still check out my column the next time it’s in the paper: My thanks.

“Today’s Slice question: What food or beverage can you not have in your home because you are incapable of consuming it in moderation?