Worst gifts EVER

When crinkly piles of wrapping paper cover the living room floor and a family finds themselves chatting in the drowsy hours before dinner, sometimes the best stories aren’t of the grandest gifts but the ones nobody wanted.

One Spokane Valley dad, for example, opened a present from his brother years ago in front of a room full of children, then sheepishly said “thank you” for a set of glasses shaped like naked women.

Others decided to give clothing only to find they were off by several sizes.

Recently the Valley Voice asked readers to share stories of the oddest, quirkiest and all around worst Christmas gifts ever:

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

In the late 1960s, Donna Clellen’s family acquired a commercial-sized roll of department-store red, green and white wrapping paper that’s been used to decorate gifts under their Christmas tree to this day.

“You can image how big that roll was,” she said. There’s still about 1/16 of an inch of thickness left.

The back side of the paper has contributed to kids’ school projects.

“It’s wrapped anything and everything and been around for lo these many years,” she said.

A couple of Christmases ago, Clellen’s son gave his sister a nice, 8-by-10 picture frame that is now, too, an essential part of her Christmas decorating. Inside the gold frame was a piece of the ugly wrapping paper.

– Donna Clellen

“A week before Christmas day I received a package from my parents. The entire package was stuffed with clothing, sweaters and what not, and some sort of wrapped gift.

“I do remember the clothing … awful color, too small or too large, small tears, etc. Well, I hung them up in my closet and shook my head, may have worn one once or twice.

“I found out that my dad used these sweaters (which were previously worn by my younger brothers) that were doomed for the local garbage dump as package stuffing so as not to damage the real gift inside.

“I don’t remember the real gift but I sure do remember the package stuffing!”

– Kevin Galik

Does this make me look fat?

“Approximately 17 years ago, my dad was faced with his first Christmas without my mom, and with that came the responsibility of buying gifts by himself for the first time in his life. I have two brothers and four sisters. So, for years, instead of buying for all, we picked names each holiday. Dad picked my sister, Teresa.

“Dad looked pleased and proud as Teresa opened his gift, but the look on her face said it all! Dad chose a floor-length, very bright, rainbow-striped muu muu. For those who don’t know what this is, it is a shapeless dress that could also be used to cover a midsize sedan during bad weather.

“Of course, she did not let on how she truly felt with the gift.

“Since that time, this muu muu has been ‘awarded’ to all of us sisters at important times during our life. One of us received it as a wedding-shower gift. Someone else got it when we celebrated a 40th birthday, and so it goes.”

“It’s been many years since this ‘gift’ has surfaced, and no one for sure remembers who has it now. The only thing we are sure of is that it will surface again when we least expect it. And now, with Dad gone, we can only hope that he and Mom are looking down on this ‘passing of the gift’ tradition and laugh because they are finally in on the joke.”

– Marilyn Keller

“Even in the Christmas season, my soon-to-be exhusband couldn’t resist sharing his very special brand of spiritedness. He gave me the largest size of Levi 501s the company makes – something I could use in the future, he predicted, since I had just started a career in school bus driving.

“That was in 1992, and I was 125 pounds. I still drive a school bus, and I still weigh 125 pounds. I don’t know what he eventually did with that lovely gift, but I do know he still ‘misses the bus’ so to speak.”

– Patty J. Jones

Decking the halls

“My wife has an aversion to the dental dam used by her dentist for doing fillings and such. Last year we received a nice Christmas tree ornament from our dentist made from a nice green dental dam.

“My wife thought it was cute for about five seconds. It never made it back to the ornament box for preservation.”

– David Burgett

“I remember this tin, toy horn that hung up on my grandmother’s tree forever.

“Every year my grandmother and grandfather had put this ornament out of our way so we couldn’t play with it. Now that we are adults, my brother and I see if we can’t drive Granny crazy blowing the tin horn.

“Every year she threatens to hide it, but it’s an antique now … I hope my kids, if I every have one, will play with the tin horn.”

– Barbara Rueppel

Eat, drink and be merry

“My grandparents on my dad’s side sent us a 50-pound bag of flour every Christmas. Nothing else, ever!”

– Ed Cowgill

For 15 years, the Betts family from the Valley and the Shattler family in Boulder City, Nev., have passed an unwanted bottle of Ripple wine back and forth.

“The tradition started in California where both families were friends and neighbors. Mr. Betts had a bad case of the flu during the holidays, and Mr. Shattler brought him the bottle to cheer him up.

“There isn’t anything much worse than a bottle of cheap Ripple wine when you are ill. After that, finding creative ways to pass the bottle off became a tradition for both families.

“Probably the most devious was when Mr. Shattler hollowed out a watermelon and placed the bottle inside when the Betts were on a trip one summer. You just don’t expect the Christmas Ripple to show up in July.

“One winter, Shattler’s car rolled through another neighbor’s fence, causing quite a stir in the community. Mrs. Betts put together a ‘I hope your day gets better’ centerpiece with flowers and something under a felt Santa hat … the Ripple bottle.

“Despite the questionable value of the present, it was another way for the two families to maintain their friendship over the miles. Then, one year, the bottle disappeared. Neither family could remember who had custody of it at the time.”

– Stan Hughes

“When I was in college my girlfriend at the time, knowing I was going to seminary, bought me a beer stein decorated with very religious themes and symbols. It was very ornate, complete with hinged lid. She did not know, however, to look inside.

“In the bottom of the stein, in relief in the ceramic, was a rather fetching nude with nothing left to the imagination.”

– Paul Anderson