Doug Clark: Don’t read too much into literacy rankings

For the second year in a row, Seattle has been crowned America’s most literate city.

Spokane was too provincial to even make the list, which was released this week by some egghead ranking called America’s Most Literate Cities.

And things around here had been on such an upswing.

The snow melted. The Met Theater renamed itself after our late great crooner, Bing Crosby. The new police chief bought me maple bars …

And now Seattle drops this lump of coal in our Christmas sock.

The snobs on the West Side already view us as drooling stepcousins who can barely recite the ABCs. They really don’t need any more reasons to feel superior.

There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

The entire city of Seattle is hopped up on caffeine. Even the water faucets run hot, cold and Starbucks.

Seattleites are so wired to the gills that nobody ever sleeps. So what else can you do at 3 a.m. besides read a good book or surf the Internet for porn?

I have trouble sleeping at night, too. But that’s just from all the remorse.

Getting depressed is not the answer. It’s like that old saying: When fate hands you a sack of lemons, set them down and start drinking heavily.

But before you do, I have prepared the following brief quiz to test your Lilac Literacy Level.

1) Reading is …

A. The key to knowledge and understanding.

B. The cornerstone of an enlightened civilization.

C. A railroad in the Monopoly Game.

2) Without reading …

A. You couldn’t achieve a high-paying job.

B. You couldn’t converse on an intellectual level.

C. You couldn’t enjoy all those vulgar sex e-mails coming out of the Kootenai County Office of the Prosecuting Attorney.

3) “Moby-Dick” is …

A. A literary masterpiece.

B. Even snappier in the Cliffs Notes version.

C. The behind-the-back nickname Spokane County employees have for Assessor Ralph Baker.

4) My average page count is …

A. More than 50 pages a week.

B. Less than 50 pages a week.

C. I’m on the Mark Foley page-a-day plan.

5) The Spokane Public Library provides …

A. A place to read books and magazines.

B. A place for research and contemplation.

C. A place for winos to sleep off a bender.

6) A great work of fiction is …

A. “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.”

B. “For Whom the Bell Tolls.”

C. The Spokane Regional Health District’s case against Dr. Kim Thorburn.

7) Seattle’s status as the nation’s most literate city should prompt Spokane to …

A. Use the Emerald City’s success as a target to aim for.

B. Demand a freaking recount.

C. Grab our own headlines by starting the nation’s first “Embrace Illiteracy” campaign.

8) The Spokane County Jail should supply paid Spokesman-Review subscriptions for inmates because …

A. Reading about current events can be an important part of rehabilitation.

B. The newspaper’s ever-expanding Accuracy Watch column is a natural self-esteem booster for losers.

C. Hey, Butch. Check out the ammo sale at Big 5.

9) Once we raise our literacy level, Spokane will have …

A. A lower poverty rate.

B. A better job market.

C. More effete, self-obsessed metronatural airheads – just like Seattle.

10) I read Doug Clark because …

A. He makes me laugh.

B. He makes me mad.

C. Any pal of Eddie Ray Hall is a pal of mine.

It’s time to tally up your scores. If you answered “C” more than four times you are not helping Spokane’s literacy rating. Please, for the sake of the entire region, move the hell away.

And preferably to Seattle. We need you to lower the curve.