Bulletin: Monday Night Football now on ESPN
These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:
1. If they used the “mercy rule” in Major League Baseball, all games broadcast by Tim McCarver would end after five innings.
2. Last time I was married, we didn’t have a Universal Remote. I won’t make that mistake again.
3. I’m surprised ESPN is not promoting “Monday Night Football” a little bit more.
4. I don’t have the exact numbers in front of me, but the more bowling you put on TV, the less crime you have on the streets.
5. Someone has to explain to me how “walk-off homer” improves on “game-ending homer.”
6. When I go to a dinner party, I tell people I have a desk job on an oil rig before I tell them I have a TV job on a poker show.
7, In the remake of “A Clockwork Orange,” they would torture the protagonist this time by making him listen to sports talk radio.
8. In the summer of 1980, I told a date that CNN, ESPN and MTV had “no chance of survival.” That’s why I don’t date much.
(Column Intermission I, Courtesy of Hollywood: Newman, on ‘Seinfeld’: “I’ll tell you a little secret about zip codes – they’re meaningless.”)
9. The only problem with “CMI: The Chris Myers Interview” on Fox Sports Net is that Chris Myers is interviewing someone.
10. Curiously, I don’t miss the Olympics much, but I do miss “Wide World of Sports.”
11. Trust me – you turn the National Spelling Bee into a weekly show and you’ve got “American Idol” with participles.
12. I told Toni – a k a She Could Be The One III – that the next time I’m grazing on cable and stop for more than five seconds on Bill O’Reilly or Nancy Grace, she should crack my head open with a skillet and call 911 at her leisure.
13. I know it’s “Mobile ESPN,” but I really shouldn’t be thinking about Jeremy Schaap when I’m taking a bath.
14. HDTV? I have to tell you: Couch Slouch is so low-def.
15. If a fool and his money go separate ways, who’s to say money takes the better route?
16. I canceled my subscription to USA Today because I don’t have a big enough birdcage.
(Column Intermission II, Courtesy of Hollywood: Travis, in ‘Taxi Driver’: “I believe someone should become a person like other people.”)
17. Speaking of ‘The Sopranos,’ some might blame having a mob-boss father for screwing up A.J., but I blame television.
18. Sure, the Mets were amazin’ in ‘69, but how ‘bout ‘The George Michael Sports Machine’?
19. His name is Tred Barta. He hunts on OLN. I drink two Shiner Bocks while I watch him.
20. Chris Berman has now said “New York Football Giants” a U.S.-record 38,231 times.
21. I watched my late local news the other night and they did the most incredible thing: They covered all the sports in, like, four minutes.
21a. If Lewis Black were a local sportscaster, I would move to that locality just for the sportscasts.
22. I tried to TiVo something on Fox Soccer World and TiVo sent me a “Dear John” letter.
23. The next frontier in sports TV: Ice fishing.
Ask The Slouch
Q. After a golfer putts in a PGA event, is there any statistical evidence to show that a fan screaming “in the hole!” improves the chances of the ball going in the cup? (Tom Hoffner; Broadview Heights, Ohio)
A. No. But it has the same placebo effect as when a person hits the crosswalk button at a major intersection.
Q. Charles Barkley is considering running for governor in Alabama in 2010. Can he really win? (Steve Salem; Mission Viejo, Calif.)
A. If I recall correctly, he has trouble going to his left.
Q. If ESPN asks you to call domino matches in addition to your poker duties, would you do it just for the money? (David Foreman; Charlottesville, Va.)
A. I draw the line at Yahtzee, pal.
Q. If the alcohol industry had revenue sharing, would Rolling Rock still have a franchise in Latrobe? (Larry Appolonia; Monongahela, Pa.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Chicken biscuits for breakfast? (Rick Duryea; Houston)
A. Why not?
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!