Dropping issue realistic choice

Dear Carolyn: My parents occasionally use foul language around my two young boys. We have asked my parents to clean it up – I have talked to each alone, and my wife and I have talked to both of them together. They have mainly shrugged it off, with variations on: “We don’t really see them that much” – which is true; “They’ll hear this from people other than us,” which they probably will; or a half-hearted “I’ll try.” While those could be reasonable positions, I’m having trouble understanding where’s the moral high ground in “I want to be able to curse around my grandchildren.”

I’m not too thrilled at the prospect of holding out access to the grandchildren as a negotiating tool. I have historically gotten along very well with my parents, but this has become one of the most unpleasant aspects of my life. Any thoughts on improving the situation? – Never Thought I Would Be the One Having to Scold My Parents

I doubt your parents ever thought you’d be the one having to scold your parents.

Yes, kids are sponges; yes, your parents’ stance is indefensible; yes, denying grandkid access would nevertheless be excessive.

So, you’re right.

And when you’re already right, you’re not going to improve the situation by being extra super mega right. That leaves two choices: dropping the grandparents, which I hope you’ve ruled out, or dropping the issue.

Besides, when the occasional F-bomb becomes “one of the most unpleasant aspects of my life,” it’s time to let go. The fastest way there is to find any possible sympathy for your parents’ position. I have some ideas: They’ve done the childrearing thing and don’t feel like guarding themselves; they think you and your wife are being prissy or overreacting, since their profanity will hardly warp your children; that they don’t appreciate being corrected, or the tone you used to correct them.

But while these expand the list of (barely) reasonable reactions, they still don’t answer your fundamental question. So I suggest you ask it – not angrily, but anthropologically: “One question, then I’ll let the issue rest: Is there any reason you’re resisting, instead of just humoring me?”

Hi Carolyn: OK, long story short, girl meets boy, boy woos girl, boy returns home (across the country) after 10 days. Girl and boy stay in daily contact for three months. Boy takes girl on all-expenses-paid vacation, everything seems wonderful. … Girl returns from trip and boy does not call for a week, ignores three messages. Girl e-mails boy and asks, “What happened?” Boy responds, “Don’t be silly, I’m just busy!”

I am a little disappointed and ticked off by the silence and the nonchalant reply to the e-mail. Am I overreacting? Isn’t there some expectation after this amount of time and a whirlwind romantic weekend or was this just a casual “paid” vacation? – Trying Not to Make a Mountain Out of a Molehill

Feeling “paid” is probably an overreaction, but I do suspect you’ve been fired. You two launched a global romance before you even knew each other – all but guaranteeing one of you would back off.

Besides an education, your whirlwind did earn you something: a straight answer. Tell him that you’d prefer one (but remind yourself not to expect it).