Matters of heart take time
Dear Carolyn: I met the king of the nice guys recently and started dating him. He is sweet and kind and sensitive; you get the idea. He remembers even the smallest of details about me and never stops surprising me with flowers or cards, etc. He’s made himself totally available to me and seems to be hiding nothing. So why, then, am I not attracted to him? Why would I rather be with a jerk who treats me like he couldn’t care less, is evasive as hell, hardly ever keeps his word or is always too busy doing something else? I like him sooooo much, and I’ve even been praying to be more attracted to him, but what gives? Why can’t I like him the way I do the men I should hate? – D.C.
Look at it this way. If you did like this guy, people would accuse you of falling for the first guy who was nice to you.
I realize it’s axiomatic that women aren’t attracted to nice guys, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t. (Or that women aren’t, but that’s another column.) Could be you’re just not attracted to this nice guy.
You could also be acting on a number of common, mistaken impressions – confusing danger with chemistry, for example, or crushes with lasting attraction. Or, confusing the desire for a mate with being mature enough for one. You could be confusing “sweet and kind and sensitive” with “dry toast.”
The only answer is time. Give nice guys time so you can see if sparks develop – since sparks are essential, but not always there at first sight. Give yourself time to get to know people slowly, or just to grow up; mature women aren’t the ones tempted by jerks.
If there’s a trick to it – and how can there be, with something so complex as feelings – it’s in distinguishing actual promise from wishful thinking and false hopes.
Promise is when you’re excited to talk to a guy when he calls; an intellectual connection can grow into a physical buzz.
Kidding yourself is when you wish you were excited when he called. For better or worse, time takes care of these, too.
Hello, Carolyn: After my last three dates – at very nice and expensive restaurants – none of the women thanked me for paying. This, despite that they each had a good time and indicated they wanted to see more of me. I’m not hung up on or angry about this, but a simple thank you, though not expected, would be appreciated. What do you advise? – A.M.
Don’t ask these women out again if you don’t want to – or fight it if you do. And, don’t pretend you aren’t expecting to be thanked. You are. But that’s okay, because things like this matter, even when they matter only to you.