‘Big fellas’ learn Hollywood rules

One afternoon a couple of years ago, at the corner of First Avenue and Madison Street near the old Greyhound depot, I walked across the street 23 times. And back.

Becky Reilly of Bigfish, a local talent agency director, paid several of us to make the walk. Becky supplied the “extras” for a movie that was being filmed in Spokane and now “Mozart and the Whale” has opened at local theaters as a test for national distribution.

Reilly hired me out of pity. She is an old friend and aware of my inability to handle idle time constructively.

We streetwalkers had a three-second window of fame, possibly. We each poured our hearts into the part.

So you might suppose that we were excited to see the film released after a couple of years of editing.

My wife left work early, so we could see the first public showing on a recent Friday, a matinee.

I clutched my wife’s hand throughout the movie knowing that our lives might soon be changed drastically if my heartfelt performance got the Hollywood attention to which I aspired. The California high-life would not change me, I vowed. I would never forget Spokane and my roots in Hillyard.

The movie turned out to be much better than I had supposed.

The young cast had made me suspect that this film would be another “teen-heartthrob” silly show but some quality acting was evident.

By the time the movie ended and the credits rolled, I was blubbering like a baby.

Not because of anything that happened on the screen. It was what didn’t happen on the screen. My walk of fame had been cut. All Hollywood hopes were dashed. My teary eyes searched for the exit, and I stumbled out of the theater.

My wife required that I pass through the Five Stages Of Grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) before we got to the car.

Acceptance has brought me to a new awareness.

Plus-size men do not get into the movies. Sure, there were Chris Farley, John Candy and Orson Welles, but they were the exceptions. Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise are the rule.

And now full-size women are getting their own movies specifically made for the bigger female.

“Phat Girlz” celebrates the plus-size woman, specifically Jazmin Biltmore, played by Mo’nique. When you watch “Phat Girlz,” notice that the men in the movie are all buff studs. No scenes of an XXXL guy crossing the street. It is not fair.

Some of us big fellas have started a support group that meets in the afternoon at local Spokane bars. We get loud as we discuss the hopelessness of a full-figured man breaking into the movies.

Our group leader calls for reports on any movie actors who have shown noticeable weight gains recently. Then he calls for another round.

Someone asks for nominations of the movie with heaviest leading man?

“Do made-for-TV movies count?”

“Another round, Nell!”

Several voices bark, “Yes.”

It is hard to tell who is agreeing to what.

“Ironsides!”

“Which one?”

“Any of them.”

Then someone orders another round, seriously debilitating the group’s ability to deliberate, and I curse out loud, condemning Hollywood’s glass ceiling – but grateful for the reinforced floor.