Reliving his youth hurting marriage

Dear Annie: I recently discovered my husband of 40 years has been carrying on for three years with an old married girlfriend he saw at a high school reunion.

I knew “Harry” was talking with “Thelma,” which was fine, but when he wouldn’t let me meet her on a trip to her area, I got suspicious. I uncovered hundreds of cell phone records and e-mails and realized that their attraction was much deeper than I imagined. Harry has never been romantic toward me – in fact, he’s quite critical. Now I discover that he is writing sweet nothings to Thelma.

Harry finally admitted he is infatuated with her, although there is no sex involved because he is impotent. This has caused me great pain and anger, and Harry doesn’t get why. He insists they are just old friends. By the way, I doubt Thelma’s husband knows about any of this.

Harry and I had a shotgun wedding. He didn’t want to marry me. It hasn’t been perfect, but we made the marriage last, and we have wonderful kids and grandkids. I wrote Thelma, and she asked for my forgiveness. I told her she could continue her friendship with Harry as long as it included me, and she has since been sending long, newsy e-mails about her life. We even are planning a trip so I can finally meet her.

Now Harry is mad at me. He says I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. He wants his old happy wife back, but he wants to stay in contact with Thelma. Why does he need to do this? I feel like such a failure. Harry is all I have. – In Pain

Dear In Pain: Harry is reliving his youth. And he believes that doing it long distance and without sex is harmless to his marriage. He doesn’t understand that it is an emotional betrayal. Ask Harry to go with you for counseling so the two of you can work on restoring your confidence in the marriage, and tell him that as long as you are included in his friendship with Thelma, he can stay in touch.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Crying in Connecticut,” who has cerebral palsy and is lonely. Please tell him to contact his local rehabilitation hospital. They often have services and activities available to people who are living with a disability. Adaptive sports programs, social networks and therapeutic recreation are just a few of the things that may be offered. – Involved in Illinois

Dear Involved: Thanks for your suggestions. Living with a disability can be difficult enough. Feeling isolated can compound the problem and actually damage the immune system. We hope “Crying” will reach out to all available resources.