He controls her even after split

Dear Carolyn: Last semester, I ended a 1 1/2-year, semi-long-distance relationship (different colleges). Basically, toward the end, he was never satisfied, and I could never do anything right to make him happy. I got tired of putting my own happiness and sanity aside to appease him and finally ended it.

He was angry and begged me back, but I was emotionally exhausted. We went back and forth and finally agreed on a three-month silence to give each other space and time to heal. We also agreed to call each other if we became involved with other people.

I felt this was OK, as I wasn’t interested in dating anyone else for now. However, A few nights ago, he called to tell me he was, indeed, dating someone else and that he’s incredibly happy.

Well, I feel like a band-aid has been ripped off my heart, and it won’t stop bleeding. I feel like I really failed him. – Confused and Crying

Everything you describe can be explained by his wanting control over you. (We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his urge wasn’t conscious.)

You worked to please and appease him.

He wasn’t satisfied. You worked harder.

He remained unsatisfied. You reached the point where you couldn’t work any harder and dumped him. (Your sole possession of the upper hand.)

He got angry. He hounded you to come back. When you refused, he hounded you to call it a break instead of a breakup.

You relented.

He then broke up with you. (Thus regaining possession of the upper hand.)

He shifted all blame for his problems onto you – with your consent, because you want to make him happy.

He declared himself happy – maybe because he is, but more likely because he knew you would think you had failed.

He declared the matter closed, denying you the last word.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to make someone happy. There is something very wrong with people who take advantage of that impulse – consciously or unconsciously.

And there is something wrong with still wanting to make someone happy even when it’s always at your expense.

That’s why ridding your conscience of this guy is only part of the work you need to do. The other part is to realize your alarms didn’t go off during two years of manipulation. Please ask yourself why you were so ready to change, blame and surrender yourself.

There are better people to make happy and better ways to make them happy. Remember birthdays; do your share of the housework; be yourself. When that isn’t enough, he isn’t the right guy for you.