Her options look bleak

Dear Annie: For 20 years, my alcoholic husband and I have been together. “Roy” is a good person, hard-working, considerate and generous.

Early in the day, Roy is a pleasure to be with, but by 4 p.m. he is drunk and obnoxious. He argues about everything I say and staggers around using foul language and creating scenes. He tells horrid lies to our friends, saying all my relatives are drunks and that I’ve been having sex with some of the neighbors.

I have adjusted to the fact that we can never go out in the evenings because it is too embarrassing, and I can’t go alone or he will accuse me of cheating. We have worked hard for what we have, and if we divorced, everything would have to be sold and divided with substantial losses. Roy won’t try A.A. or counseling, and I’ve been to Al-Anon, and it didn’t help.

I’m very tired of getting up every day, knowing I have nothing to look forward to except his drunken verbal abuse. Roy claims that if he can’t remember what he said to me when drunk, it isn’t important. I feel that he has no respect for me or for himself. Otherwise he would not behave this way.

I do not intend to leave because I’m quite confident Roy eventually will drink himself to death, but the verbal abuse has depressed me to the extent that I may have to get help for my own self-preservation. I knew he was an alcoholic when I married him, but the hostile behavior in the past five years has been unbearable. Any suggestions? – Alcoholic’s Spouse

Dear Spouse: We’re not sure what you expect. Roy is an abusive alcoholic and has no intention of getting help. You put up with it because it would cost too much to leave, and you assume he’ll die before things get too bad. What a charming arrangement. You both must be perfectly miserable.

Al-Anon will not make your husband quit. It is intended to be a source of support for family and friends. Counseling may help your depression, but it won’t solve the underlying problem. You must decide if you truly want to tolerate Roy’s alcoholism, because the alternatives you have chosen do not sound promising to us.

Dear Annie: Can you answer a question for me? Let’s say a woman marries Man A and they have a son. Then the woman has an affair with her father-in-law and they, too, have a son. Are the sons stepbrothers? What is the relationship between them? – Perplexed in Shelby

Dear Shelby: Very messy. The younger boy is a half-brother to the elder (they share a biological mother). In addition, the younger boy is the older boy’s uncle, because he and Man A also are half-brothers, sharing the same biological father.