So quick to think the worst when you can just ask

Hi Carolyn: I’ve been with my most amazing boyfriend for a year and a half. I’m 24, and he’s 32. We’ve talked about marriage, but he told me he will propose after two years together and then wants to get married two years later, in 2008. I’m not sure what’s up with all these time constraints. I asked him why 2008, and he said, “That’s when we’ll be ready.” I know he’s been burned badly before (cheated on, lied to, etc.), even in long, seemingly healthy relationships. I keep assuring him that I’m a different person from those other chicks and he says he believes me, but I just feel like if he does, why is he so hesitant to tie the knot sooner? He’s financially secure, has a nice house and great job with an even brighter career future. My mother thinks he’s just stringing me along. I love him but don’t want to make excuses for him either. – Wondering in the USA

Then don’t make excuses for him. Find out what his excuses are, then decide if you can respect them, then decide what comes next.

After he said 2008 “is when we’ll be ready,” you said … what? If it wasn’t, “Please explain what you mean by ready,” then ask him that now. Ask him to be specific. You can get to 2020 and still not be ready if the two of you can’t talk to each other.

And while the strict year counts are wonky, he can, for what it’s worth, have plenty of reasons for stalling that don’t reflect poorly on you. His having been burned well into long relationships could mean he trusts you but not his own judgment. (My vote.) He might want to be sure both of you are through any infatuation stage. He might just be weird. Don’t be so quick to see yourself as a victim – or, for both of your sakes, so quick to speculate when all you need do is ask.

Dear Carolyn: I’ve started seeing this young woman who’s recently divorced. She is 26, but already has a 5-year-old daughter from her previous marriage. I don’t have any kids, heck, sometimes I feel like a big kid myself. Any advice on how to handle this relationship as it evolves and gets serious, as I hope it eventually will? I guess the biggest question would be, how do I manage the relationship with the daughter, when things do progress to that point? – Hank

Somewhere between barely and not at all. Build a relationship with the mother, and only the mother, first.

Certainly you’ll get to know the girl, too, but stay on the periphery; you can move toward the center of her life when both you and the mom want you to stay there. Then, build a relationship with the daughter, knowing you won’t automatically love her or even like her just because you love her mother.

It’s a separate relationship, a separate building process, and a responsibility as serious as any you’ve ever stared down.

And if the mother disagrees with me, then ask her why, and make sure her reasons are both well-thought-out and based in the interests of her little girl. She knows her what her daughter needs, and ultimately that prevails.