Describing the anatomy of a ball can be perplexing

I would like to begrudgingly offer my congratulations to every golf ball manufacturer on the planet. As near as I can figure, they have engaged in a vast and wonderfully orchestrated conspiracy aimed at addling the minds of weekend golfers everywhere.

And I stand here, now, as the poster child for their success.

Inside an old and deeply scarred oak-veneer entertainment center that bombed at my last two garage sales, I have a stash of more than 10 dozen golf balls, all in unopened packs and in mint condition. Some I bought a decade or so ago, before the great “Balata Bust.” Others were purchased more recently and feature such exciting innovations as “Shear-resistant Zynthane II ™ covers” and “restitution multi-metal core technology.”

I know, I know, but I can’t help myself.

Whenever I read the latest game-enhancement benefits on the back of a sleeve of balls, I’ve got to try them. I mean, how can you not pick up a sleeve or two of Top-Flite XL 2000 Magnas that claim to “minimize spin, reduce hooks and slices and create longer and straighter shots”? And how can you pass on a dozen Maxfli Revolution Solids ™ boasting “three-piece solid core technology” and “proprietary urethane covers that give you tour-proven spin and feel”?

Really, it’s enough to drive a guy to … well, in my case, to the Internet to check out the latest in golf ball offerings from a couple of on-line retailers.

What I discovered was startling.

On one Web site, I found 72 different varieties of golf balls, ranging in price from “too low to advertise” – which, in the case of Titleist’s Pro V1, translates into more than $50 a dozen to $9.99 for a 15-pack of Top-Flite XL Pure Distance More Roll Yellows.

The options offered were overwhelming.

Do I need a golf ball with a “Muscle Fiber inner cover” that provides “unbelievable distance and consistent feel and spin,” like the Precept U-Tri Tour? Or would I be better off playing a Technasonic Electronic Check-Go Distance ball – it does exist, really – that offers “increased accuracy and distance through equator spin balancing technology” and is “numbered and lined for attractiveness and balance readibility.”

Is readibility even a word?

There was an 80 Compression Twilight Tracer that “lights up at impact and continues to blink for 5 minutes.”

By the time I logged off my laptop, I was dazed, confused and in serious need of counseling. So I checked in with Tom Ratkovich, the manager of National Golf, to see if he could help simplify things.

Ratkovich said there are definite differences in golf balls and some of the claims associated with each are credible.

Those that come in 15-packs and are “value -priced,” he explained, tend to be two-piece balls that are durable, harder and distance-oriented. Those that sell in the $19.99-a-dozen price range – balls like the Maxfli Noodle, Titleist DT, Lady Precept and Srixon AD333 – are usually two-piece balls with different core densities and cover thicknesses that make them more supple and more responsive to moderate and low swing speeds.

And the high-end balls, like the Titleist Pro V1, Callaway HX Tour and Nike Platinum that sell for upwards of $39.99 a dozen, are high-tech two-, three-, or four-piece balls that are designed for a softer feel and more spin application.

“But you’ve got to be mindful that the USGA still has a regulation governing just how fast a golf ball can come off a club,” Ratkovich added. “So it doesn’t matter if it’s a two-piece rock or a four-piece, soft, high-spin ball, it’s only comes off the club face with the maximum amount of gas pedal the USGA allows.”

According to Ratkovich, trying to find the right golf ball can be a highly personal and frustrating experience, and should probably be based more on one’s own swing type and the conditions of the course he or she plays most regularly than on whether the core of the ball is made of “gradational polybutadiene,” like that of the Nike Precision Tour Accuracy DD, or “ignites upon impact,” like that of the Dunlop Spirit Distance.

That’s why Ratkovich sells what he calls a 12-ball “Lifesaver Pack” at National Golf.

“We have customers coming in and asking ball questions all the time – what’s the best ball for me,” he explained. “I usually just offer them a Lifesaver Pack, and tell them, ‘I don’t have that answer. You’re going to have to find out for yourself.’ “

Ratkovich’s Lifesaver Pack consists of four sleeves of four different brands of balls, all similarly priced.

“I try to simplify the whole process by letting them decide which of the four brands they like the best,” Ratkovich said. “I like to tell everybody, ‘We just try to add the same number of dimples to our balls so they go straight, then we sand them so they’re pretty much round and put them in pretty boxes.’ “

Ratkovich’s comments made me wonder if some golf ball manufacturers and the people in their marketing departments might be a bit delusional – or a least a little too full of themselves.

An “extruded plug” core with “with injection molded ionomer” cover?

Really.

So, armed with a new sense of skepticism, I fired my laptop back up, returned to the aforementioned golf retail Web site and applied my own truth in advertising standards to some of the golf ball claims I found there.

For instance:

•The claim: The STRATA Tour Ace utilizes a patented four-piece multi-layered technology and a high coverage dimple pattern for staggering distance.

The truth: You don’t know what staggering distance is until you’ve staggered 410 yards down the 18th fairway at MeadowWood Golf Course during the latter stages of the Wet Dog Fur Open.

•The claim: The Wilson Smart-Core ™ unique core composition produces a totally unexpected result – Reactive Technology. Smart-Core actually reacts to your swing speed. When a hard force is applied (off the green), Smart-Core reacts with a firm response for longer distance. When a soft forced is applied (around the green), Smart-Core reacts with a soft response for extra feel.

The truth: Uh-huh, sure it does. And how does it react off the hosel of a 3-iron? I thought so.

•The claim: Jetstreamer Joke Ball – drive it and the ball disappears, ejecting 15 feet of streaming spiraling ribbon.

The truth: Ha-ha. But the UnPuttaBall – “you just can’t sink it. It jumps, skids and gyrates for laughs galore on the putting green” – is funnier. And you don’t have to clean up after it.

•The claim: The new Titleist Pro V1 features … soft and fast 1.550” diameter core formulation … speed-enhancing and spin-controlling ionomer casing which means more controlled ball flight from tee to green … high performance, soft, thin (.030”) Urethane Elastomer cover … improved, Tour-proven, 392 icosahedron multi-dimple design.

The truth: Hey, Huey Lewis. The researchers at Titleist seem to have discovered that new drug you and the News were wanting back in the 80s.

And they seem to be sharing it with a lot of other golf ball manufacturers.