When two just won’t do

There comes a point in a single person’s life when you question whether this whole monogamy thing really makes any sense. Now when I say “you,” I mean “me.” And when I say “comes a point,” I mean “right now.” Hell froze over recently and I found myself with an opportunity to date two different women. They were both sweet and attractive, but beyond that, completely different. While zoning out at work — or, uh, in the car — I thought about them both. I wondered: Why can’t I date both at the same time? Can’t we scrap this whole monogamy thing, move the three of us in together, get a dog and a king-size bed from Ikea and be blissfully happy?

After all, just months earlier I was so desperate for attention that I signed up for both a Republican and Democratic online dating site to take advantage of election year passions. Now I actually had two possibilities, and I felt like I had to make the most of it.

Why does this happen, anyway? When you find someone you’re interested in, why do others tempt you away in a twisted morality test?

For men, the answer is easy. We are a pathetic, crude species solely motivated by competition, so women who are spoken for are much more attractive.

Women, on the other hand, are interested in guys who are taken because they trust other women’s opinions. This is the “picture in the wallet” theory: If you keep a picture of a gorgeous woman in your wallet — and another woman happens to see your wallet — that woman will be more attracted to you.

The first time my ex-girlfriend Emily noticed me was when I was talking with another attractive woman who happened to be laughing. I’m sure I was making a pathetic joke at my own expense (hard to believe, I know), but regardless, the laughing woman piqued Emily’s interest in me.

Few men know this, but women have even more ways of determining a man’s desirability:

1. In exchange for bearing the burden of childbirth, women are empowered with a sixth sense that tells them which men in their proximity have regular sexual relations.

2. All women are on a massive e-mail list that alerts them to men’s desirability level. Brad Pitt is currently No. 1, for example. I am at 2,987,608. Meanwhile, Michael Jackson has been sitting in last place since “Thriller.”

Even though I was only in the top 3 million, two women were still interested in me. Realizing the “three-way kiss” idea wouldn’t go over very well, I turned to the Internet, because it justifies all immoral acts.

A Google search turned up the following declarations: “Monogamists should be prosecuted” and “Monogamy is bad for the soul.”

I thought that was a little extreme, so I called sociology professor Pepper Schwartz of the University of Washington in Seattle, because she has the coolest name I’ve ever heard.

Schwartz says although 85 percent of Americans still believe in monogamy, we are increasingly understanding of partners who stray. That’s the good news.

But then Schwartz, the relationship expert for PerfectMatch.com, went and mentioned the “e” word. “Monogamy was invented for a reason — we have emotions when we get involved with other people,” she says.

And that means, I guess, that when you’re dating two people — or married to two people, if you’re freaky like that — you run the risk of messing with the emotions of everyone involved.

So for me, monogamy it would be. The next question would be to figure out which woman was best for me at this point in time.

Too bad neither Google nor Professor Schwartz had the answer to that question.