His family dynamics are what they are
Dear Annie: I have been married to “Ricky” for several years. He and his widowed mother own a cabin in the woods. Ricky and I work hard, barely seeing each other, and look forward to spending weekends at the cabin where we can rest and relax.
The problem is Ricky’s cousin “Karl,” who is unmarried and unemployed. Karl is the biggest mooch you have ever seen. He constantly drops by the cabin uninvited and intrudes on our time. If we have guests for the weekend, Karl assumes he is part of the gang. When Ricky and I go out with friends, Karl finds us. He has never once reciprocated, brought anything or chipped in to pay for refreshments.
Ricky and I argue about this constantly. I have discussed it with my mother-in-law and have even told Karl directly that he should call first and contribute once in a while. It has made no difference.
I rarely go to the cabin anymore, and I leave if Karl shows up. Ricky says it’s his mom’s cabin, too, and she likes having Karl there, although he has never done a single thing for her in his life. I say we’ve earned the right to choose who spends time with us. Karl is ruining our marriage. What can we do? – Marsha in Montana
Dear Marsha: Obviously, it doesn’t bother Ricky or his mother that Karl visits all the time or that he comes empty-handed. He is family, and they love him, which means they are not going to toss him out because he is a freeloader.
Decide how much this bothers you, because if it is wrecking your marriage, you are giving it more importance than it merits. The cabin is a nice getaway, but it comes with Karl attached. Look for ways to relax without going there.
Dear Annie: My three sisters and I are very close, and we want to take a vacation together, but there is one problem. My older sister, “Rhonda,” has recently been ordered by the court to go to AA or she will lose visitation rights to her kids.
In spite of this court order, we happen to know Rhonda still drinks. We are concerned that if we take her with us on vacation, especially if the rest of us drink, she will get out of control. If we go without her, she will be very hurt. But if we take her, we’d have to watch her every second. What should we do? – Little Sister
Dear Little Sister: Rhonda needs your support to stay sober and be part of her children’s lives, but your plans should not be dependent on her. Maybe if she knew why you preferred to go without her, it would give her the incentive to stop drinking. Meanwhile, please look in your phone book for Al-Anon, or call (888) 4AL-ANON (888-425-2666) ( www.al-anon.org), and ask how best to help your troubled sister.
Dear Annie: My husband and I are raising our grandchildren. We enjoy doing it, but we know we aren’t the only ones. What has happened to today’s young parents? They want children, but apparently not the lifelong commitment. How did we raise them to be so selfish?
Having children is expensive and nerve-racking, but it also has many rewards and joys. Children are not new toys that you can ignore because you are tired or don’t feel like taking care of them. If young adults are not prepared for this kind of life-altering event, they should keep their legs crossed and their pants zipped. Or consider giving up these little ones for adoption to families who will cherish them and take the time to raise them properly. – Grandma in Texas
Dear Grandma: There is no greater responsibility than raising a child, and too many new parents are unprepared for the amount of nonstop effort involved. Thank heavens there are grandparents like you who are willing to step in and do the hard work. For a list of support groups, contact AARP Grandparent Information Center (888) OUR-AARP (888-687-2277).