Fruity drinks arrive in time for summer

Summer’s here – break out the umbrellas.

Not the big, black ones.

Those cutesy paper umbrellas.

The season of fruity drinks – aka frou-frou, kitschy or girly drinks – is in full effect.

Girly drinks have two objectives: to hide the alcohol and hide it deep – so folks can get a buzz without tasting the booze – and to look exotic.

The guidelines for making kitschy cocktails are to mix or blend together as many fruit juices and spirits as possible, and to give the resulting concoction a quirky name.

For example, I’ll invent one right now: Bacardi 151, tequila, vodka, orange juice, pineapple juice, currant juice, 7Up and a splash of Franzia Chablis – straight from the box – served in a hurricane glass.

I call it “Passed Out in the Sun.”

If you think that sounds good, just wait – local bartenders are even better at it than I am.

Hey there, mix me another

Aside from poolside cabanas, the best place to grab an ice-cold girly drink is at a family party-themed restaurant.

You know, the kind with bits of Americana covering the walls and servers who sing “Happy Birthday” in the most embarrassing ways.

Downtown Spokane staple Cyrus O’Leary’s, 516 W. Main Ave., kicked off my tour of frou-frou cocktails.

When I spied the epic drinks menu, which includes more than 50 fruity drinks with names such as June Bug Annihilator, Purple Haze and Tropical Dream, I knew I was in for a long ride.

So I tried to force myself off the tracks early by ordering a Clearly Derailed ($5.50), which combined wildberry schnapps, 151 rum, cranberry-grapefruit juice, sweet-n-sour and raspberry soda.

It was pink and super-sweet, served sans garnish in a water glass.

I followed it up with a Funky Cold Madena ($5.25), a creatively spelled take on the mythical drink rapper Tone Loc immortalized in 1989’s “Funky Cold Medina,” with wildberry schnapps, vodka and rum mixed with orange, pineapple and cranberry juices. Like the Clearly Derailed, it was flamingo pink.

My drinking buddy shied from the pink stuff with the tasty, yellow Fruit Sicle ($5.25), featuring vodka, triple sec, sweet-n-sour and pineapple juice, and the bananarific Goomba Smash ($5), with Myer’s Dark and Malibu rums, banana liqueur and orange and pineapple juices.

While O’Leary’s wins in the sheer variety category, the absence of garnish and attention to presentation left me yearning for something truly frou-frou.

Where were my fancy glasses and cutesy umbrellas?

Next I headed to TGI Friday’s, 14728 E. Indiana Ave., in Spokane Valley.

“I want the biggest, fruitiest, most colorful drink in existence,” I told the server.

She returned heaving a bluish-green drink in a red-rimmed, swimming-pool-size martini glass garnished with lemon, lime and orange wedges.

That’s a little more like it.

I asked the bartender for the drink’s name. “It’s called an ‘I just made you a drink,’ ” he said.

It featured Southern Comfort, 99 Apples, Apple Pucker, vodka, sweet-n-sour and blue curacao for $7.50, and my drinking companion and I agreed that it tasted exactly like a green apple Jolly Rancher.

We also tried Friday’s Ultimate Strawberry Daiquiri ($5.59), a formidable version of the tasty rum-infused blended drink, served in a hefty goblet and garnished with a strawberry.

The last leg of my quest found me at The Onion, 7522 N. Division St., where I tried the Huckleberry Kamikaze – one of the bar’s 12 varieties at $4.99 apiece – and Sex on the Beach.

While the lime in the Kamikaze overpowered the Priest Lake huckleberries, the Sex on the Beach was perfectly sweet and peachy, served in a hurricane glass.

Now, with a belly full of frou-frou drinks, it’s time for summer.

All I need is an umbrella.