The Slice: Big balloons often miss mark

Three things to remember about summer.

1. Saying you have been “gut shot” in a squirt-gun duel offends some people.

2. Little kids wielding big water balloons need not be feared as those things are difficult to aim.

3. A too-thick milkshake is just a cylinder of ice cream.

“Complete this sentence: “The one sure way to win the respect of sailboat people is to ….”

“Wade Griffith wonders: If the people who planned Spokane’s road reconstruction projects all live in Spokane Valley.

“Slice summer rerun: Here’s one of my all-time favorite items, from 1994.

Once, when sending off a letter to a friend with whom she rarely corresponded, a Spokane woman jotted “No, this is not a birth announcement” on the envelope.

The woman’s 9-year-old daughter, Corrine, saw that and asked about it. So her mom explained that she didn’t want the friend to anticipate big news.

A few months went by and Corrine went off to camp. And when she wrote a letter home to her sister, she put “No, this is not a birth announcement” on the envelope.

“Slice answer: Tracy Nickels was single when she wore a fake wedding ring while working as a motel maid. “It worked,” she said.

“Today’s Slice question: Which best summarizes your motivation for wearing sunglasses?

A) “I don’t like squinting and tension face.” B) “It’s my belief that shades make me look stylish.” C) “I’m hoping to stave off macular degeneration.” D) “I am so utterly lacking in coolness that even a cliché is an improvement.” E) “Sunglasses make me look 50 pounds lighter.” F) “I’m hoping they will inspire someone to give me one of those nicknames that starts with ‘The’ and ends in ‘ster.’ ” G) “If I’m going to call women ‘Baby,’ it helps to have sunglasses on.” H) “My aunt told me that boys are hard-wired to find girls wearing sunglasses and baseball caps wildly attractive.”

I) “Though I am one of the least interesting people in Spokane, it helps me project the image that I’m an edgy rebel who plays by his own rules.” J) “This far north, the slanting sunlight can be merciless.” K) “It embarrasses my kids.” L) “I want people to wonder if I’m a fighter pilot.” M) “I wanted an original new look and saw someone wearing shades in a beer commercial.” N) “I ordered these from the back of a comic book in 1966, and they have special powers.” O) “Virtually everything I do is an affectation.”

P) “Insecurity.” Q) “It’s not safe to drive without them.” R) “I’m going for a look that says Celebrity Wannabe Doofus.” S) “I’m compensating for many inadequacies.” T) “I’m trying to look like somebody who is not me.” U) “Because of that one line in ‘Boys of Summer.’ ” V) “Without them, I look a lot like Karl Rove.” W) “Makes it easier to ogle.” X) “It’s my way of saying that, yes, I am, in fact, ready to party.” Y) “I have this ridiculous idea that they make me appear mysterious.” Z) Other.