It’s true: You can’t get there from here

The Washington state Supreme Court vows to give the Jim West mayoral recall caper a speedy review.

And that, sad to say, will be the only time this summer the word “speedy” is used in connection to life in Spokane.

The state’s second-largest city is in the grasp of a gridlock not seen since the Great Fire of 1889 shut down the first Nordstrom anniversary sale.

Today’s urban constipation, however, is not related to flames or fashion-conscious women bludgeoning each other over bargain-priced shoes. Our problems are created by sunburned, sweaty street repair crews that have engulfed Spokane’s major thoroughfares and intersections like the creature in that vintage science fiction flick, “The Blob.”

True fact: The other day while driving to work the downtown traffic was moving so slowly that my car was passed – by William H. Rehnquist! And the shuffling chief justice didn’t even have his cane.

So bogged down is our traffic that floats from last May’s Lilac Parade are only now beginning to find a way out of downtown. On Tuesday, wilted legume princesses from the Lentil Pride float were airlifted to Deaconess Medical Center where they were treated for dehydration and carpal tunnel waving syndrome.

By now, everyone knows of the ghoulish discovery at Third and Division. While digging earlier this summer, a street crew unearthed decomposed human remains.

What hasn’t been widely reported is that the bones were determined to be those of Lance Manion, an Eastern Washington University adult education major who got stuck trying to find the nearest I-90 on-ramp to Cheney.

I’m all for repairing Spokane’s wretched streets. But what muttonhead decided to have them fixed – ALL AT ONCE?

Spokane’s asphalt fiasco is on a slower pace than the Rossi-Gregoire gubernatorial recounts.

Columnist’s Aside: Months after losing his final court challenge, Republican Dino Rossi has decided not to run against U.S. Sen. Maria Cantwell and instead has pledged to “devote myself to more attainable goals such as anti-gravity research and Crimean War reparations.”

But getting back to municipal gridlock, I offer you yet another completely true story:

On Thursday I left home to pick up a tuxedo for a wedding.

By the time I returned, the couple had already celebrated their silver anniversary.

It was during this odyssey to the tux shop that I came up with a plan to mount headlight-level machine guns on my car. You wanna see road rage? I’ll show you road rage.

In lieu of that, I offer you Doug’s Spokane Summer 2005 Guide to Going Places.

“Scenario 1 – The NorthTown Victoria’s Secret store is out of catalogues. You decide to go to Spokane Valley for Krispy Kreme donuts.

Turn right at the snoring orange-vested flagger. Proceed in a northerly direction until you see a sign that says “Colbert – 4 miles.”

Stop and light road flares. Wait for help.

“Scenario 2 – You own a small business near the new Thor/Freya couplet, which was designed to make driving this north/south arterial 58-percent more confusing.

Open your door. Throw a burrito at the surly orange-vested flagger.

Then file for bankruptcy. You’re screwed.

“Scenario 3 – It is quittin’ time at City Hall where you work as an intern. You need to get to your South Hill apartment so that you can freshen up for your date with the mayor.

Turn right at the snickering orange-vested flagger. Do not attempt to cross Third! The street is currently being transformed into a canal thanks to a grant from the Spokane Waterways Foundation.

Proceed west to Medical Lake. Check into Eastern State Hospital for a series of electroshock treatments.

With time and counseling you will come to accept the fact that – because of Spokane summer street repairs – many of us will never drive home again.