Want to visit Hooters with wife? Listen up

You can see an owl perched on the north side of Interstate 90 in the Spokane Valley.

This owl sits up there all day next to the freeway.

This electrified owl is the logo for Hooters, which opened last weekend at 16208 E. Indiana Ave.

Hooters is a politically incorrect chain of restaurants and bars that features female waitpersons with a certain physical emphasis.

If you are a committed man, lucky enough to be married or have a serious girlfriend, then you ought to be wiser than that old owl. Hanging around Hooters can be dangerous.

As a small cog in the big juggernaut of commerce and industry, I was obligated to regularly travel to Atlanta. I often took my wife along and when I did, the good ol’ boys intimidated me into sampling the offerings of the downtown Atlanta Hooters. I entered the door full of ignorance, which brought great suffering upon myself.

This was a cruel form of Dixie amusement for these boys, watching me in Hooters, when my wife was present!

Women are born with certain incredible powers of observation. These skills ratchet up when entering Hooters. Even sunglasses do not protect me from my wife’s scrutiny.

In Hooters, her pupils widen to enhance observation.

She does a geometric calculation involving the angle of my head, neck snap, observable respiration, bead size of forehead sweat and jaw-drop to conclude that my eyes are fixed (behind dark shades) on something(s) not appropriate.

“Busted” is a trite but apt term for this situation. The double meaning is intended.

For any innocent Spokane area males trying hard to be sensitive and keep their wives untroubled, I’d like to pass on the following public service announcement: “Insensitive” males (you know who you are) probably cannot be saved. You might as well quit reading this and go to some seedy pub for daytime drinking and chatting up some scantily dressed babes. Right now.

Below is a list of behavior modifications for the thoughtful man visiting Hooters in the company of his wife:

Do not let your gaze come to rest: Keep darting your eyes about the room, this will make you less likely to allow your gaze to carelessly fix onto anything(s).

Do not look at the person taking your order: Speak your order while staring at the menu. Or let your wife order for both of you while you study your Hooters national location map on the place setting before you.

Make frequent eye contact with your significant other: You will be able to maintain a current appreciation for how badly you are doing.

Anything you say may be used against you: Avoid any remarks about the female body, nary a word about either the server’s or your wife’s body. Anything you say may be used against you when things go wrong.

If your wife makes a comment, affirm with a nod: On a hot day at the Atlanta Hooters, my wife remarked that everyone seemed sweaty (termed “glistening” in the South), then she added, “Maybe that’s why all the servers wear heavily padded bras.” I affirmed her remark with a nod and made no comment (see previous suggestion). You can deny a nod later if it was a trick question.

Focus on the most elevated TV in the room: If you are still losing it, Hooters has lots of sports programming. Pretend to be spellbound by whatever game is showing on the television located nearest the ceiling. Make your interest seem plausible by shouting enthusiastic comments like, “I love the aggressive style of cricket that they play in the Maldives!”

Avoid deep conversation: If you are like me, this is not a problem, even on your best day. At Hooters with the wife? Your brain has all it can handle

Certainly, some men reading this will chuckle derisively at the idea they have to be forewarned about visiting any place for what is only a short time, in the scheme of things like life and all eternity.

These kind of guys will suppose they can instinctually “wing it” with their wives in tow at Hooters. But in war and Hooters, a short time is sufficient to make a few disastrously bad choices that could have eternal consequences.

If you sense things are going south at some point, look your woman in the eye, excuse yourself to the men’s room, walk while staring at the top of your shoes until you are safely inside. Then call me on your cell phone, and I will talk you through the danger.

You can get my number by calling the downtown Atlanta Hooters. My phone number is written in blood on the wall in the men’s bathroom.

A wise man does not learn from his own mistakes, a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.