Keep important football out in the cold

Boy, it was cold out there Sunday. It was the type of cold that drives some men to drink, others to divorce. I stayed sober and concentrated on the only relationship in my life I’ll never leave – the National Football League.

I love cold-weather football – that is, if I’m sitting in warm weather watching it.

(Indeed, where I am – in my living room – it’s always 72 degrees with the shades down. If I want a slight breeze, I use the microwave.)

Quite simply, if a trip to the Super Bowl is on the line, it should be decided on grass or a grass-like substance, with snow on the ground and cold breath coming out of every player’s mouth.

However, in both Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, there was an underground heating system beneath the playing surface. Pfft. You think Thoreau brought an oscillating fan with him when he was pondering life at Walden Pond? Hey, folks, YOU PLAY UNDER THE GOD-GIVEN CONDITIONS YOU’RE DEALT.

(By the way, CBS’s “The NFL Today” had an easier time adjusting to the elements than “Fox NFL Sunday,” largely due to the fact that Greg Gumbel and Co. does its pregame show outdoors all season long. Terry, Howie and Jimmy are the Peyton Manning of studio analysts – they talk a great game indoors, but stick ‘em in the chill and they freeze up.)

At the NFC championship game, a half-frozen 10-year-old sang the National Anthem before the Falcons-Eagles game. I hate to nitpick, but some adult was whispering the words into his ear! It felt like the presidential debates all over again.

At the AFC championship game, there were two striking climactic patterns clashing – a Midwest front created a severe wind chill effect while CBS’s Shannon Sharpe and Boomer Esiason created a lot of hot air.

Boy, it was cold out there.

Heck, just looking at Armen Keteyian on the sideline, I flicked on my gas fireplace.

Terry Bradshaw – in bean cap, gloves, bright scarf and overcoat – looked like a cat burglar in search of a cathouse.

Michael Vick was so bundled up, I’m surprised they didn’t throw a blanket over him in the huddle.

And I could’ve sworn I saw Antwaan Randle El running a curl route in a parka.

As it turned out, the Eagles and the Patriots were best-suited for the blustery weather, with New England again ruining my hopes of an all-Pennsylvania title tilt.

(I had first dreamt of a Keystone State Super Bowl in the late 1970s getting gasoline at the state-of-the-art truck stop that is Breezewood, Pa. Some people call it “The Travelers Oasis,” I call it “The Riviera Off the Turnpike.” Breezewood is a football field of fast food joints and filling stations, a half-mile testament to America-on-the-go. What the Strip in Las Vegas is to gambling, Route 30 in Breezewood is to drive-thrus. No patch of paradise in the nation has a higher concentration of cheap motels, bad burgers and oil stains.)

(Actually, I’ve had some of the best meals in my life in Breezewood – and all I had to do is roll down my window! Where else can you find a Taco Bell, Hardees, KFC, Subway, McDonald’s, Arby’s, Dairy Queen, Wendy’s, Burger King and Pizza Hut staring each other down? It’s a gritty Champs-Elysees, only cheaper – the Best Western, Comfort Inn, Holiday Inn Express, Quality Inn and Econo Lodge there may not leave chocolates on your pillow, but they don’t mind you taking the towels, either.)

Next stop: Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville, home to moderate climes, gentle winds and a Hooters. But it’s no Breezewood. I’ll be couch-bound for the game, maybe wearing a tank top.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Speaking of annoying commentators, where do you stand on CBS’s Phil Simms? (Steve Prokop; Cleveland)

A. Actually, Simms doesn’t trample all over a telecast, he doesn’t talk incessantly about the officiating and he doesn’t say a whole lot of stupid stuff. I rooted against him as a player, but he’s so likable in the booth, I now want to turn the clock back and root for him.

Q. I just read an article suggesting that the televising of poker is bad for today’s youth. But what about the benefits of studying probabilities in a meaningful environment, not to mention learning guile, finesse and deceit – the essence of success in the business world and politics! What’s your take on the issue? (Ron Furgerson; Fairfax, Va.)

A. Shuffle up and deal.

Q. For some reason my neighborhood bookstore has a huge stack of unsold 2005 Washington Capitals calendars. They cost $12.95, or $19.95 Canadian. Would you recommend buying them with U.S. or Canadian dollars? (Marty Chase; Chevy Chase, Md.)

A. I recommend offering the bookstore the $1.25 I’m giving you for every calendar in the joint.

Q. Other than writing about your ex-wives and making fun of sports, what else do you do? (John Ursone; South Windsor, Conn.)

A. What, you want I should work overtime?