Look inward to find answer to deep problem

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of three years is wonderful. We’ve had our share of rough spots, and have broken up a few times since I hurt him very badly last year. We lived together for a year and now have moved back in at our respective homes. He says he needs to “think about it” before moving in with me again but insists he loves me and forgives me.

The problem is that I’ll call him a lot asking when we can move in together. I guess you could say I nag him. It backfires every time.

I know I am smothering him and making him miserable, and I can no longer tolerate myself. I know that adoring him means I have to respect his wishes and give him the space he needs, but whenever he says he needs more time or space, I can’t help feeling rejected. Then when I feel bad, I can’t fight the urge and I call him again. I have no willpower. How can I stop doing this once and for all? – Desperate to Change

That’s not adoring, what you describe. That’s needing. Needing this guy’s approval to feel good about yourself. Needing him to put his approval in writing by living with you.

The first two words in my head were “back” and “OFF.” But simply willing yourself off his back isn’t going to work. It hasn’t yet, obviously, and never will, unless you count annoying him so thoroughly that he scrapes you off.

You need to get to the source of the craving, the underlying problem that you seem to believe his approval will fix.

My guess? Guilt. You “hurt him very badly,” and you apparently hate yourself for it. Not surprising, or unhealthy – we’re supposed to hate ourselves for hurting people, assuming we’re blessed with a conscience.

It is unhealthy, though, when you refuse to mend your internal fences – or, worse, hand someone else the responsibility of mending them for you. The external fences, OK; you damaged your relationship with your boyfriend, maybe permanently, and you’ll need his help to work on any repairs. And you’ll need time.

But it’s your responsibility, solely, to find a way to live with yourself regardless of what happens to your relationship – and that’s where you’re unfairly, not to mention counterproductively, putting the pressure on him.

Stop looking to him, and face yourself instead. Look at your bad behavior, that terrible mistake you feel you must fix lest you lose the one person in the whole world who can make you happy.

Now recast it. Consider it possible evidence that you weren’t, in fact, happy. That you had your reasons, valid ones, even while your acting upon them was wrong.

And even if you were happy, and you had no valid reasons, and your losses may indeed be profound? There’s still room to make peace with yourself. Call your mistake the thing that had to happen so you could … (blank). Understand yourself better? Learn humility? Stop deceiving yourself? Become more forgiving of others? Find the courage to change?

It’s your blank to fill in now, by doing whatever hard emotional work your mistake says you need to do. If nothing else, try to “embrace your humanity.” It’s the one thing that won’t ever leave.