Taking action will stir up your stagnant misery

Dear Carolyn: Do you think it is ever advisable to break up with someone you really love just because you don’t feel ready for the next step, or the current sacrifice? I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend three years. I moved eight hours away from home to be with him even though I don’t know anyone else in my new city. I am feeling very restless about what else I could be doing with my life. Is it forgivable to break up with the idea that we could date again in the future? He doesn’t want to get married within the next five years. – Sad and Confused, Ohio

I don’t think it is ever advisable to stay in an unhappy situation out of duty.

Obviously, there are times when leaving is illegal (say, you’re in the military) or immoral (just had triplets). But even in the cases where duty calls, there still remain both the opportunity, and therefore the obligation, to address the unhappiness in some other way.

Thus endeth the abstract portion of our program.

Concrete portion: Do what you have to do, but whatever you do, do something. Stagnant misery is a favor to no one.

As a girlfriend, you have more freedom than a wife or mother or lieutenant; when you’re weighing whether you ought to break up, your desire to break up is all you need to consider. Being three years in, moving eight hours away, postponing marriage five years – none of these numbers means squat. Is this right for you? Yes/No.

Your answer seems to be no, so, break up.

But in case of a yes – or a “no” you’re not ready to say out loud – try burning off your restlessness in other ways. Answer the what-else-could-you-be-doing question as it applies to your career, your personal finances, your hobbies, your education, your physique, your family, your character, your soul, your social life (by way of all of the above). Just stay away from your hair; nothing but heartache in that.

And if you choose a breakup, even a “temporary” one, explain why you’re leaving without reference to coming back. That would be a promise you can’t make that tells him he can’t move on. Forgivable, maybe, but also really unfair.

Dear Carolyn: A female co-worker has approached me (also female) with vague suggestions to get together outside of work – e.g., “I need to go shopping, but my husband hates the mall and I hate going alone” – then waits for me to take the bait. I never do (I don’t like her enough, I value my down time, etc.). I always smile, make some lame comment (“Men just hate shopping”), and say I need to get back to some project. I feel bad though, as she seems hurt, but what else can I do? Even my friends say I’m being cold and should give her a chance. Am I really obligated to? – California

Let your friends take her shopping.

Right now, you and the co-worker both are using social fig leaves to hide your rejecting her. Give her “a chance,” and she’ll start inviting you to things directly – narrowing your choices to an insincere friendship, or full-frontal rejection. Cruel. Your obligation here is not to rip off the leaves.