Lifetime’s ‘Princess’ fails to captivate
Maybe Andy Warhol was half-right. In the future, everyone will not only have their 15 minutes of fame, they will hire producers to stretch it into hours of reality doldrums.
Exhibit A: “I Married a Princess” (8 p.m., Lifetime), a mind-numbing, documentary-style home movie “starring” real-life married couple Catharine Oxenberg and actor Casper Van Dien.
Oxenberg is the princess of the title. She is descended from some vague European dynasty but is most famous for a brief reign on “Dynasty” that culminated in her fairy-tale wedding being ruined by Moldavian terrorists.
Van Dien was perfectly cast in Paul Verhoeven’s 1997 sci-fi satire “Starship Troopers,” about a battalion of soldiers who look like soap stars bent on defeating an army of alien insects. Van Dien also starred in director Tim Burton’s “Sleepy Hollow” and may have suffered some collateral damage from standing too close to Yasmine Bleeth’s career implosion on the set of “Titans,” the 2000 prime-time soap produced by “Dynasty” mastermind Aaron Spelling.
“Princess” chronicles the day-to-day, and often minute-to-minute, lives of these two impossibly attractive people and their blended family. Both had two children by previous marriages and have since had two more children.
And even the most ardent “Real World” viewer must know that that adds up to six.
As someone who grew up in a family of seven children, two parents and a grandmother, my foggy memories consist chiefly of an eternal wait, or continual battle, for access to our one bathroom. The drama on “Princess” is hardly so prosaic.
Mummy Oxenberg gets really steamed when her first husband buys her oldest daughter a pair of $140 jeans. Van Dien tries to get a little script reading done between putting the brood to bed.
In a case of life imitating art, (or hype ventilating drama), Van Dien also stars in the 2005 TV movie “Personal Effects” (9 p.m., Lifetime).
Five suburban youths try to kick their addictions at a California treatment center in the documentary “Rehab” (8:30 p.m., HBO).
“The Massie Affair” on “American Experience” (9 p.m., PBS) recalls a 1931 rape case in the territory of Hawaii that pitted the white, American-born population against native islanders.
“Taboo: Extreme Cuisine” (8 p.m., National Geographic) explores delicacies from around the globe, including New Guinea roasted bat, Filipino duck fetus and the Explorers Club’s favorite appetizer: tarantula tempura served with crackling cockroach. I’ve heard it tastes just like chicken.
Other highlights
Ray criticizes Amy on “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m., CBS).
A nuclear warhead goes missing on “24” (9 p.m., Fox).
Shocking news about Horatio’s brother on “CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS).
Jury selection may go beyond Alison’s talents on “Medium” (10 p.m., NBC).
Five children plus no control equals total chaos on “Supernanny” (10 p.m., ABC).
The sketch series “Comedy Inc.” (11:30 p.m., Spike) debuts.
Cult choice
Bikers (Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson) set out to discover America in the 1969 road movie “Easy Rider” (8 p.m., AMC).
Series notes
A stuffed teddy has more than sentimental value on “Still Standing” (8 p.m., CBS) … Joe Rogan hosts “Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) … A family in crisis on “Nanny 911” (8 p.m., Fox) … Tears and drywall on “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: How’d They Do That?” (8 p.m., ABC) … A battle of the bands on “One on One” (8 p.m., UPN) … Simon’s girl has something extra on “7th Heaven” (8 p.m., WB).
Work friends, but nothing more, on “Listen Up” (8:30 p.m., CBS) … Tiffany’s rich beau spoils her on “Cuts” (8:30 p.m., UPN).
Drama between the white lines on “Las Vegas” (9 p.m., NBC) … Petals and thorns on “The Bachelor” (9 p.m., ABC) … An awkward feeling on “Girlfriends” (9 p.m., UPN) … The boys vent on “Two and a Half Men” (9:30 p.m., CBS) … A very dry turkey dinner on “Half & Half” (9:30 p.m., UPN).