Kindly tell ex a reunion not possible

Hey Carolyn! Five years ago I started what would become a nearly three-year relationship with a man who I now recognize was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive (and, once, physically abusive). He finally stopped calling two years ago.

Fifteen months ago I started dating the wonderful, caring, supportive man who recently became my fiance. I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Six months ago, ex e-mails me to say he’s changed, life is good, etc. I responded that I was happy for him and was dating a great guy. I was polite but didn’t engage him.

Today he e-mails again and says perhaps he was too subtle before, but he’s changed and wants to be with me. He proceeds to list 11 reasons I should take him back.

My question is how to respond. He’s been pining away for almost three years and has apparently made big changes in his life in the hope of winning me back. If I let him down harshly, he might backslide and think all of his hard work was for nothing. Clearly, this isn’t technically my problem anymore, but is it so wrong for me to want him to have a nice life that doesn’t involve me? – Aargh

If he did it all for you, then his hard work really was for nothing.

That didn’t come out right, did it.

If the point of his transformation was to please, persuade or possess you, then what happens when you’re “his” again and his incentive to be different is gone?

For him to change, for the better and for good, he had to want to stop being abusive. Not for your approval – for himself.

Maybe he did; maybe he didn’t. Given his impressive job of finding all your old guilt spots, I’m willing to guess that he didn’t.

But why guess when these are your facts:

You love someone else.

You do not want this man back.

If he really has changed, then he can handle your rejection.

If he can’t handle your rejection, then he really hasn’t changed.

These facts are telling you to respond in whatever way gets your point across – not as you think he might need you to respond given his fragile emotional state, delicate constitution, and/or insufficient proximity to a sturdy fainting couch. “I am genuinely happy for you but not interested in getting back together” is both thoughtful and ample response.

Dear Carolyn: I am the parent of a high schooler who has a wonderful, solid, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. They spend all their time with each other. Trouble is, they will soon be going off to different colleges far apart from each other, not intentionally. They swear they will keep the relationship going long-distance. I say they need to move on and concentrate on their studies and enjoy college life. I don’t want to see either of them glued to the phone every night. They are both good, intelligent kids but won’t listen to any advice. Not unusual for teens, I know. I fear someone is going to get hurt here. – Concerned Mom

But if it doesn’t hurt, how will they know to warn their kids not to squander their college years glued to a high-school romance? Lay off the advice unless asked, and no postgame “I told you so.”