The Slice: Confused? You must be a ‘Pro-con’

The Slice has come up with a name for people confused by the cultural collision of Northwest progressivism and Inland Northwest conservatism. We could call them “Pro-cons.”

“An invitation to tell secrets: I saw an entertaining list of “tricks of the trade.”

It included tidbits such as the fact experienced foresters don’t like walking behind someone in the woods because it’s the lead person who stirs up the yellow-jacket nest but those bringing up the rear who bear the brunt of the subsequent stinging.

The list featured insider advice on how actors play a drunk, how mapmakers catch copyright violators and on and on.

So what’s one of the tricks of the trade in your field?

“If people in your hospital room have funny looks on their faces: Don’t worry. It could just be that you said some loopy stuff while shaking off the anesthesia.

“Slice answer: Steve Trapp said the new vehicle he bought in 2000 has turned unreliability into performance art. “The car seems to sense the most inconvenient place and time to break down, such as on a weekend in the high desert plateau of Oregon,” he wrote.

“Just wondering: Who had the most windows broken this summer by baseballs or other errant sporting goods?

“All-purpose warning signs: 1. Absurd overconfidence about parallel-parking ability.

2. Tendency to mock anyone who speaks with an accent.

3. Gum snapping.

“Agree or disagree: Here’s one of the leading reasons some Spokane parents yell at their kids.

They feel stymied and impotent in their dealings with virtually every other person they encounter. Their worth is seldom if ever affirmed by others. And so they harbor an angry urge to inappropriately assert their dominance over the helpless children in their care.

With minor tweaking, this also explains a lot of littering and aggressive driving.

“One way in which real life in Spokane is different from the cosmetics area at Nordstrom: In real life, women don’t smile quite so readily

“Multiple choice for men with facial hair: My beard makes me look like ….

A) A secret agent. B) A member of the skunk family. C) A hipster doofus. D) A ZZ Top wannabe. E) A woodsman. F) The personification of “Off the grid.” G) Rutherford B. Hayes. H) Father Time. I) A messy eater. J) Someone who can’t grow a decent beard. K) Other.

“Slice’s proposed zoning addendum: If you can’t punt a football over your house, it’s too big.

“Warm-up question: What did you do when something potentially embarrassing locked up your computer screen — the result of an innocent accident or an inexplicable Internet quirk, no doubt — and suddenly other people were headed your way?

“Today’s Slice question: How would you respond to someone who suggested that most successful people in Spokane couldn’t cut it in larger cities?