Fall grades in
WE NOW RETURN you to your regularly scheduled fall television season. Good luck finding it. It began right after the Olympics, according to NBC. ABC would say it started last week. CBS favors the traditional opening day, on Monday. And Fox? Well, it’s fond of summer, mid-November and January.
This isn’t to say the traditional stampede of new shows has changed – oh, no, we’re not getting off that easy. But most networks are tossing out their old ground rules and taking some risks, in hopes of keeping cable from sucking them completely dry of viewers, revenue and respect.
While some new series already have started, most will premiere this week or later. Here’s a night-by-night rundown of each network’s new shows, with scheduled premiere dates:
Monday
“ “Listen Up” (8:30 p.m., CBS, premieres Monday)
What it is: Jason Alexander (“Seinfeld”) plays a sports talk show host/newspaper columnist/all-around neurotic (you were expecting something else?) based on the real-life Tony Kornheiser. He’s constantly in the doghouse with his teenage daughter, who is certain her dad’s a round little dork with insecurity issues.
What we like: As a devoted husband and father, Alexander is actually likable – unlike his George Costanza character, another round little dork with insecurity issues.
What we don’t like: Malcolm-Jamal Warner, who as Alexander’s talk show host partner is as stiff as a stone.
Grade: C
“ “Renovate My Family” (9 p.m., Fox, premiered Sept. 1)
What it is: Jay McGraw (son of Dr. Phil McGraw) tackles extreme family makeovers, from weight issues to getting rid of bathroom blahs.
Reality wow factor: Low. But it’s hard to bet against the spawn of Dr. Phil.
Reminds us of: Every other makeover or design show.
Grade: C
“ “Second Time Around” (9:30 p.m., UPN, premieres Monday)
What it is: Nicole Parker and Boris Kodjoe, a popular on- and off-screen couple (“Soul Food”), team up for a sitcom about newlyweds trying to prove that their first marriage wasn’t a disastrous mistake by doing it again.
What we like: Danielle Nicolet and Brian White as the couple’s married buddies. Like Jack and Karen on “Will & Grace,” you’ll perk up when they’re onscreen and snooze when they aren’t.
What we don’t like: When Kodjoe and Parker are on the screen. There’s no chemistry — which might make them want to rethink that May 16 wedding date.
Grade: D
“ “LAX” (10 p.m., NBC, premiered Sept. 13)
What it is: Lightweight drama looks at life in an airport as a pair of egotistical opportunists (Heather Locklear at her snippiest, Blair Underwood at his most charming) bicker over who ought to run the place after their boss gleefully steps in front of a landing plane.
What we like: Locklear and Underwood, who fight cute.
What we don’t like: Multiple story lines are more like pieced-together skits that don’t seem all that compelling.
Grade: C
“ “The Benefactor” (10 p.m., ABC, premiered Sept. 13)
What it is: Dallas Mavericks owner and really rich guy Mark Cuban will fork over $1 million to contestants who “impress” him. (Maybe they should play a little defense, unlike the Mavs players.)
What we like: Cuban doesn’t live in New York.
What we don’t like: That it appears to offer nothing more than Cuban trying to Trump the Donald.
Grade: D+
Tuesday
“ “The Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best” (8 p.m., Fox, premieres Nov. 9)
What it is: Another rich guy strings along puppy-dog wannabes. Virgin Records founder Sir Richard Branson and 16 contestants fly all over the world, completing tasks, and the loser each week gets left on the tarmac: “You’re grounded!”
Reality wow factor: Low, considering it’s difficult to figure out exactly what the participants will do and why the show exists. Might gain some viewers who think it has something to do with Branson, Mo.
Reminds us of: “The Apprentice,” with a side order of “Amazing Race.”
Grade: Not available for preview
“ “Father of the Pride” (9 p.m., NBC, premiered Aug. 31)
What it is: The animals of Siegfried & Roy’s Las Vegas act talk, live in their own gated community and whine about pension plans and low sex drives. This computer-animated comedy focuses on the earthy exploits of Larry (voiced by John Goodman), a hard-working lion coping with show business and a wise-cracking father-in-law (voiced by Carl Reiner).
What we like: The show’s unwillingness to back away from provocative subjects. It could be funny and subversive — or just irritating.
What we don’t like: It could also be in bad taste, particularly now that Roy likely won’t be returning to the act anytime soon following the tiger-mauling incident that nearly killed him.
Grade: B
“ “Veronica Mars” (9 p.m., UPN, previews 9 p.m. Wednesday; time slot premiere Sept. 28)
What it is: A sassy teen (Kristen Bell) with serious baggage (mother bailed, leaving a music box and a note; dad was dumped as town police chief) helps solve mysteries while working with her father, now a private investigator.
What we like: Bell, who is simply magnetic. And the pilot’s tone, which moves from comedic whimsy to seriously edgy and back again without taking shortcuts.
What we don’t like: That we can’t find something to dislike.
Grade: B
“ “Clubhouse” (9 p.m., CBS, previews 8 p.m. Sept. 26; time slot premiere Sept. 28)
What it is: This coming-of-age adventure focuses on a wide-eyed 16-year-old boy (Jeremy Sumpter) who becomes a bat boy for a pro baseball team. He also becomes a window into the sport and the jocks who inhabit it.
What we like: Its sweet-tempered, leisurely pace and its attention to detail. Co-stars Christopher Lloyd, Mare Winningham and Dean Cain, as an idealistic baseball hero, anchor a nice collection of actors. And the baseball scenes are realistic enough not to strain credibility.
What we don’t like: “Clubhouse” is up against “Father of the Pride” and “Veronica Mars.” Life’s so unfair.
Grade: B
“ “The Next Great Champ” (9 p.m., Fox, premiered Sept. 7; repeats Fridays at 9 p.m.)
What it is: Twelve aspiring fighters slug it out for a contract with pretty-boy boxer Oscar de la Hoya.
Reality wow factor: Medium. It’s no celebrity boxing, another Fox gem.
Reminds us of: “The Contender,” the Mark Burnett-Sly Stallone reality show that arrives midseason on NBC. NBC insists Fox stole the idea; those are fightin’ words.
Grade: C
“ “House” (9 p.m., Fox, premieres Nov. 16)
What it is: Medical mystery centers on a skilled doctor (Hugh Laurie) who thinks patients are liars, knuckleheads and all-around terrible people.
What we like: The disabled, chronically pained Laurie is such a cranky crackpot that he’s actually quite entertaining.
What we don’t like: The “doctor who doesn’t care” routine could wear thin quickly. No one is so good at his job that he could insult everyone around him, including his boss, and not be fired. Or decked.
Grade: C
“ “Rodney” (9:30 p.m., ABC, premieres Tuesday)
What it is: A family man (Rodney Carrington) wants to dump his dead-end job (at a Fiberglas plant) in a dead-end city (Tulsa, Okla.) for life as a comic — only to have his wife (Jennifer Aspen) threaten him with no food, no water and, gulp, no sex.
What we like: Stand-up Carrington. What a funny dude.
What we don’t like: No one else on the show is funny.
Grade: C
Wednesday
“ “Hawaii” (8 p.m., NBC, premiered Sept. 1)
What it is: Macho shoot-‘em-up has the usual lineup of cowboy-cop quips. It follows two sets of detectives, including Michael Biehn as a road-tested cop and Sharif Atkins (“ER”) as a newcomer fresh from the shores of Chicago.
What we like: The scenery, local flavor and that sweet Atkins guy talking tough (and having sex — oh my!).
What we don’t like: It’s a cop show built on flash that’s empty to its core.
Grade: C-
“ “Lost” (8 p.m., ABC, premieres Wednesday)
What it is: Forty-eight plane crash survivors, one island, one mysterious creature stalking the jungle, growling and scaring the bajeebies out of everybody. Matthew Fox (“Party of Five”) plays a doctor and the unofficial leader of the seemingly damned castaways.
What we like: The two-hour premiere is scary, suspenseful and includes one of the most hypnotic opening sequences of a series since that gruesome shooting rampage on “Brooklyn South.”
What we don’t like: The premiere cost a reported $10 million; they’ll have to spend less on weekly episodes, and it’ll show.
Grade: B+
“ “Kevin Hill” (9 p.m., UPN, premieres Sept. 29)
What it is: Taye Diggs is a hot-shot ladies’ man and lawyer living the sweet life when a cousin dies and drops an infant in his lap. Work, relationships and life change dramatically.
What we like: Diggs, a charming, skillful theater guy able to shift acting gears without his head exploding. The writing is smart, sensitive and hip enough to keep the core constituency of the “Urban People’s Network” fulfilled.
What we don’t like: Initial use of a Eurocentric surname for a Latin lawyer character (he’s since been given a Hispanic name). Is this a series nervous about being true to itself?
Grade: B
“ “The Mountain” (9 p.m., WB, premieres Wednesday)
What it is: Eccentric patriarch dies and leaves ski resort business in the hands of prodigal son David Carver Jr. (Oliver Hudson).
What we like: Nice mountain.
What we don’t like: It looks and sounds like every other forgettable prime-time serialized drama.
Grade: D+
“ “Center of the Universe” (9:30 p.m., CBS, premieres Sept. 29)
What it is: Husband/wife John Goodman and Jean Smart try to keep from killing his loopy parents (Ed Asner and Olympia Dukakis) and needy, pathetic siblings.
What we like: Chemistry between Goodman and Smart.
What we don’t like: The lack of chemistry with everyone else. At what point did Lou Grant become the wacky neighbor?
Grade: C-
“ “Wife Swap” (10 p.m., ABC, premieres Sept. 29)
What it is: A reality show about what happens when wives parachute into the home of another family and stay there.
What we like: It’s so bewildering, it’s fascinating. There’s nothing like seeing one mother mother another mother’s kids.
Reminds us of: Fox’s rip-off-but-on-the-air-first “Trading Spouses,” which can only make “Wife Swap” creators nauseated.
Grade: C
“ “CSI: NY” (10 p.m., CBS, premieres Wednesday)
What it is: “CSI” in New York, you silly.
What we like: Star Gary Sinise, who makes eating scrambled eggs look like method acting.
What we don’t like: That CBS sees fit to give us the third variation of a show that already exists. People will watch, but is it needed?
Grade: B
Thursday
“ “Joey” (8 p.m., NBC, premiered Sept. 9)
What it is: Lovable Joey (Matt LeBlanc) hits Los Angeles, where he meets up with his sister (Drea de Matteo) and her college-age son, whom Joey never bothered to mention in all those years on “Friends.”
What we like: LeBlanc plays Joey like a cuddly puppy dog. What’s not to like?
What we don’t like: It’s a whole lotta Joey. De Matteo (“The Sopranos”) is no comedic actress, yet, and there’s nothing to suggest we are in for something different as the show evolves.
Grade: C
“ “Drew Carey’s Green Screen” (8:30 p.m., WB, premieres Oct. 7)
What it is: Carey milks the last drop from “Whose Line Is It Anyway.” It’s sketch comedy with a twist: It’s partly animated!
What we like: When it works, improv is still the best kind of comedy.
What we don’t like: When it doesn’t work. The “green screen” animation doesn’t seem to add much in the way of funny.
Grade: C
“ “life as we know it” (9 p.m., ABC, premieres Oct. 7)
What it is: See three sex-crazed high school lads and the women (girlfriends, mothers, babe-alicious teachers) who love and tolerate them.
What we like: Fast-paced, funny, smart in its exploration of the male teen-age mind — which, when it comes to sex, is looney and limitless.
What we don’t like: Sex-filled pilot could turn off viewers thinking sex is all the show is about. Actually, that’s only 99 percent of it.
Grade: B
Friday
“ “The Complex: Malibu” (8 p.m., Fox, premiered Aug. 30)
What it is: Americanized version of an Australian reality series in which couples compete against other couples in home renovation challenges.
Reality wow factor: Medium. Home design shows remain mildly hot. Fox is hoping the human relationship element cranks up the drama. It could.
Reminds us of: A nasty episode of “Trading Spaces.”
Grade: C
“ “Complete Savages” (8:30 p.m., ABC, premieres Friday)
What it is: Keith Carradine is Nick Savage, a father who never bothered to teach his five boys a thing about living in a civilized world. The running joke is that they’re a bunch of filthy kids one step ahead of social services.
What we like: It’s not as bad as “The Mullets.”
What we don’t like: It might hang on longer than “The Mullets,” especially with producer Mel Gibson behind it.
Grade: F
“ “Commando Nanny” (8:30 p.m., WB, premiere tba)
What it is: Reality-show guru Mark Burnett takes his first crack at scripted comedy, based on his own experience as a former military man turned nanny for a wealthy family.
What we like: Nothing.
What we don’t like: The acting, the writing, the concept, the execution, the banal characters, including Gerald McRaney playing a variation of every other role he’s had.
Grade: F
“ “dr. vegas” (10 p.m., CBS, premieres Friday)
What it is: Rob Lowe is a dashing physician who leaves the exciting world of emergency medicine for the really exciting world of Las Vegas casino medicine.
What we like: Watching Lowe swing and miss a second time since leaving “The West Wing.”
What we don’t like: The show doesn’t have an original bone in its body.
Grade: D
“ “Medical Investigation” (10 p.m., NBC, premiered Sept. 9)
What it is: Think doctor/detectives without borders. Stoic Dr. Stephen Cantor (“Boomtown’s” Neal McDonough) heads a mobile medical team that parachutes into anywhere to solve cases and diagnose diseases that have others baffled.
What we like: An intriguing and justifiable medical mystery could prove gripping. The team tries desperately to figure out why folks are turning blue before dying.
What we don’t like: Uptight bravado and dialogue delivered through clenched teeth.
Grade: C
Sunday
“ “Desperate Housewives” (9 p.m., ABC, premieres Oct. 3)
What it is: High-heeled prime-time soap, built around suburban hell and the women sealed shut within its gates, has a dark side and a subversively playful sense of humor. Felicity Huffman is the baby juggler; Marcia Cross the uptight drone; Eva Longoria the sex-starved golddigger; Teri Hatcher the sex-starved ex-wife. What a collection of neurotics they make.
What we like: Witty, funny, refreshing, particularly at a time when TV wives are merely stick figures.
What we don’t like: How close it is to going over the top and falling into a sea of absurdity.
Grade: B
“ “Jack & Bobby” (9 p.m., WB, premiered Sept. 12)
What it is: Gimmicky WB drama cleverly disguises itself as heartfelt and poignant. The story of two young, cute brothers and the psycho single mother (Christine Lahti) who guides them is told from inside out, jumping back to present day from 2049, when one of the brothers is president of the United States.
What we like: Lahti at her cold, psycho-woman best as a professor and single-minded single mother.
What we don’t like: A tendency to cut creative corners. Some scenes are gloriously played out with patience and detail, while others feel cheap with little forethought.
Grade: B-
“ “The Partner” (9 p.m., Fox, premieres Nov. 7)
What it is: Game/reality series pits a team of Ivy League graduates against “street smart” lawyers from “less prestigious” schools. The winners get a big gig in a law firm.
Reality wow factor: Medium to high. Viewers could find the haves vs. have-nots challenge intriguing.
Reminds us of: “The Apprentice,” when the contestants began to bicker over whether credentials matter.
Grade: Not available for preview
“ “Boston Legal” (10 p.m., ABC, premieres Oct. 3)
What it is: ABC’s last-ditch effort to keep a David E. Kelley show on the air (as if we can’t go on without one). This is the loopy law show the network conceived after “The Practice” ran out of steam.
What we like: James Spader. That’s it.
What we don’t like: The clumsily executed attempt to exploit William Shatner’s creepy comedic side. As though those Priceline.com commercials weren’t enough.
Grade: D