Well, maybe Death does need work
Bombarded as we are with nonstop advertising, wouldn’t it be prudent for all ads to be “fact-checked,” the way the election ads sometimes are?
Advertising has never been heavy into reality, except for infomercials of course, which are all based on science.
So fact-checking ads might be back-breaking labor, since they are all so full of … consumer information.
We must consume, it’s our job as consumers. And the ad people must advertise products, that’s their job. But sometimes it’s easy to imagine these ad writers, these creative folks, as perhaps having lost touch with reality. (“Reality television” may have something to do with this.) It’s kind of like if Endora on the old TV show “Bewitched” (soon to be a major motion picture) put a spell on Darren, so he would only come up with insane ideas for his clients.
For example, maybe Darren was in charge of the current Keystone Light beer “Parties Happen” campaign. The billboards are all over downtown Spokane. One blares: “He’s asleep. Grab a marker.” It then has the Keystone Light tag line: Parties Happen.
Fact check: Change “He’s asleep” to “he’s passed out” and you begin to approach reality. Someone who is merely asleep would likely wake up when a group of friends get markers and write bad words all over his/her body.
The piece de resistance of this Keystone campaign, however, is the billboard that features a huge phone book turned to the Yellow Pages. In bold letters the fake yellow pages ad proclaims “Free Clinic, Washington Blvd. 800-322-2399.” And of course the line: Parties Happen.
Fact check: Aaaaaaiiieeeeee. Just unbelievable. What fun, wild partiers! “I partied so hard I caught a sexually transmitted disease.” (That simply can’t be a badge of honor, can it?) “I partied so hard I think I might be pregnant.” “I partied so hard I don’t remember a thing … But I have a red rash that looks like someone went crazy with a felt pen.”
What kind of person is this ad supposed to target? Someone who drinks light beer because he/she is worried about a few extra calories, but is cool with catching a venereal disease?
If you call the 800 number they list, of course it’s more advertising for Keystone Light. (Be thankful it’s not actually medical advice.) They do list another number to call if you are “experiencing an emergency with one of our products.”
Another billboard, brought to you by Washington state, also has a health-related message, but the bad-ad spell was obviously in play. The ad says: Seat belt use up … Deaths down. Click it or ticket. Fine. But next to this message is an image of Death, hooded, his skull grinning fiendishly and holding a sign that says “Need Work.”
Fact check: Well, surely there are statistics that back up the claim that vehicle deaths are down due to increased seat belt use. Someone must have fact-checked that one. But no matter how many lives are saved due to seat belt use, is it really so many that suddenly Death is in need of work? Nitpicky complaint? Sure. But in this time of war, terrorism, genocide and Keystone Light overdoses, it just seems a little crass to have Death actively seeking work.
On TV, a commercial that’s getting way too much air time is the amazingly annoying guy pretending to be in a band, hawking McDonald’s “Chicken Selects.”
He”s alone in his apartment, addressing his imaginary audience. He tells them to stay away from his Chicken Selects. He tells his imaginary band mates to stay away from his Chicken Selects. He says his girlfriend is gone because he would not share his Chicken Selects. Right. That’s why she left him.
Fact check: No fact check necessary. But would somebody please bodycheck this guy, hard, so he can never do a commercial again? Shins have been barked trying to reach the “mute” button before this guy speaks. He could have the single most annoying, trying-to-sound-cool voice currently on TV.
On second thought, maybe Death does need some work.
Fact check: Oooops. Crass happens.