Mom can’t fix son’s marriage
Dear Annie: I have a son, “Chris,” age 23, who recently left for deployment to Iraq. He has an adorable wife of three years but no children. This girl is unbelievably sweet and absolutely crazy about my son.
When he left, they seemed so in love. However, while in training before he deployed, he went to a club with his buds and ended up going home with a young woman for the night. I raised Chris to have good morals, and he has never done anything like this before. Now he says he is in love with this new girl and wants a divorce as quickly as possible.
I am heartbroken over his poor decision. I e-mailed Chris, telling him how angry, saddened and disappointed I am and how his decision has hurt so many people, not just his wife. Chris won’t write back or call me, but he is writing and calling his dad, who by the way, did the same thing to me before our divorce.
My ex-husband thinks I am horrible for judging Chris. Did I do the right thing to tell him how I felt and let him know the pain this has caused? I know this has brought up a lot of my own past, so I can’t be sure I am really seeing things straight. Please tell me what to do. – Heartsick Mom
Dear Heartsick: It’s understandable that you are upset, and there’s no reason to hide it from Chris. It’s painful when a child’s marriage breaks up, especially since you are obviously fond of your daughter-in-law. However, Chris sounds rather immature. It’s also possible that, facing deployment to Iraq, his reaction is to shed all previous entanglements. You cannot fix these things. Chris must deal with them in his own way, right or wrong.
Write your son a letter and tell him you love him and hope he returns home safely. Say nothing about his marriage or his current girlfriend. Encourage his wife to take advantage of the counseling services offered through the military, and be a limited, not-too-attached source of support for her, whatever the outcome.
Dear Annie: I enjoy going to my women’s gym, where everyone is friendly and the atmosphere is low-key. Last week, however, two of the women, speaking very loudly, began a rather personal conversation about a third woman, “Jean.” They went on and on about Jean’s house, family life and so on.
Others in the gym overheard, and I wonder if they found this conversation as inappropriate as I did. Perhaps you could remind folks that such conversations are in poor taste in public. – Exerciser in Connecticut
Dear Exerciser: People don’t always realize they can be heard or that others are listening (similar to cell phone conversations). Bystanders should try their best not to notice. However, if other gym regulars know Jean, such gossip could find its way back to her. It would have been polite to discreetly point that out to these women.
Dear Annie: You often recommend counseling. This is good advice, but what does one do if one cannot afford to pay for counseling, which is often expensive? This is not a problem for the rich, and the poor can get public assistance, but what about those of us in the middle? How do we get the help we need? – South Bend, Ind.
Dear South Bend: An excellent question. Here’s a list: Check your phone book or online for the YMCA; United Way; Catholic Charities; Jewish Federation; the Salvation Army; Recovery Inc.; the Alliance for Children and Families; local hospitals; university graduate school departments of social work and psychology; churches, synagogues, mosques and pastoral counseling centers; and your family physician.