Five ‘I love yous’ a day can start to sound hollow

Dear Carolyn: Is there such a phenomenon as saying “I love you” too much?

Background info: I’ve been dating him for 13 months (my longest relationship); we’re sophomores in college; he’s flaw-ful and perfect, and he happens to be the boy I am going to marry. I say I love you as often as I think to say it … maybe five times a day. Is this too weird? He reacts with an “I know” and the usual “I love you, too.” What’ya think? – Cambridge, Mass.

I think he’s trying (not) to tell you something. Four or so times a day.

I want to say yay for you, and I guess I am saying it, since brimming over with more love than you can contain deserves a yay.

But. There’s “in love with someone” and there’s “in love with being in love,” and with you only one of these is a certainty.

The phenomenon you have to worry about here is enthusiasm toxicity – when you gush so much that it stops being credible. Even people with the healthiest egos will have a hard time believing they’re lovable enough to rate five I-love-yous a day.

(Healthy) people want to be loved for who they are, not for the role they play in your life. Whether your boyfriend is feeling any skepticism in this regard, I can’t say, but those “I knows” suggest there’s gush-fatigue there of some sort. Try thinking less of “the boy I’m going to marry” and concentrate more on the boy.

Dear Carolyn: A good friend of mine and his girlfriend are breaking up, and my friends are grilling me for his perspective since they know only her side of the story. I don’t think it’s anyone’s business and, to be honest, he and I don’t talk about it much. I’ve tried to say that he and I haven’t discussed the breakup, but neither the ex-girlfriend nor my other friends will leave it be. Short of not hanging out with them anymore, is there something I can say that I haven’t said to make this stop? – Va.

“We haven’t discussed it much, but if we had, I still wouldn’t betray his confidence. Please respect me on this.”

I know, you’ve said this, but: The only alternatives are to start avoiding these nosy villagers altogether – which, however tempting it may be at this point, is rather extreme – or to start blabbing, which isn’t right (unless the villagers are coming after you in a torch-wielding mob).

If it’s any consolation, they eventually will lose interest and leave you alone.

The ex-girlfriend, though, presents a bit of a twist. Someone who needs to work her ex-boyfriend’s friend for information about her own life is either behaving like a very typical junior-high-schooler or has been left cruelly in the dark by this guy.

If you have reason to believe it’s the latter, then consider nudging your good friend to talk to her. Not just out of kindness to her, but, if it appeases the mob, also to yourself.